Don't Be Silent---Speak out against street harassment in DC

WORKSHOP: Get Ready for Spring: Dealing with Street Harassment

2008-02-29T08:00:00.001Z

Lauren Taylor at Defend Yourself DC is hosting this event in March. Here are the details:

WORKSHOP: Get Ready for Spring: Dealing with Street Harassment

With flowers and showers, unfortunately, comes a huge increase in street harassment. Get ready for Spring by expanding your skills for dealing with the “hey babys” that may come your way.

Can you “ignore” street harassment? Of course you can. And you already know how to do that. This class will give you other options, making ignoring it only one in a range of skills to choose from, especially when ignoring it doesn’t seem safe.

The class will cover the self defense techniques — prevention and awareness, verbal self defense, and physical strikes — that you might need in dealing with street harassment. Most of these skills can also be transferred to other irritating or dangerous situations in the rest of life.

Who: For women and teen girls ages 16 and up

When: Saturday, March 29, 1-4 pm

Where: Potter’s House, Adams Morgan

Cost: $39 before March 15; $45 after March 16. Register with a friend or family member and get $5 off. Limited scholarships available for low-income people.

How: Contact lauren@defendyourself.org or 301-608-3708 for details.

The Fresh Princess of Bel-Air vs. Delusional Fan

2008-02-28T12:38:00.000Z

From the files of 'when overzealous fans harass celebrities':

Tatyana Ali, who played Ashley on "Fresh Prince," gets accosted by a creepy fan who doesn't get the hint that she's not into him like that. He touches her, wraps his arm around her, calls her "schweetheart," "ma," and by her character's name. He says he wants to be her "bodyguard." Yuck. This guy is creepy and inappropriate, and from the video you can see Tatyana's very uncomfortable. Her friends (a few girls and a hipster-looking guy) are barely effective in keeping this guy at bay. I hope Tatyana got a bodyguard after this incident. I can't believe guys think it's okay to touch a woman they don't know (and fool, just because you saw her on TV doesn't mean you know her).

I will no longer accept responses to "Rowdy Kids. . ."

2008-02-27T09:52:00.000Z

Any further responses to this incident will be deleted. It's one thing to give constructive criticism---it's another to attack someone for the sake of attacking. As aggravated as I am by the incident I've put it on the back burner. All of you should do so as well.

WJLA Looking For Volunteers For A Story About Street Harassment

2008-02-25T14:03:00.001Z

WJLA is doing an upcoming story on the harassment women face in the District and its metro areas. If you deal with street harassment on a frequent basis and are interested in participating in this story, then e-mail B. Griffith at bgriffith@wjla.com.

A Tough Decision

2008-02-22T11:32:00.002Z

These past few weeks on here have been tough. The reactions to "Rowdy Teens Attack on Morning Commute" have been mixed---mostly on the side of "What is wrong with you?" It got to the point when I wasn't even reading the responses anymore, I was blindly pressing "publish." Anywhere where it was linked it got polarizing reactions. (Someone can have a post linked on DC Blogs about a nice walk in the park but get no reactions, but anytime DBS is linked everyone has something to say.)

I spoke with family and friends, not just about this incident, but for DBS as a whole. It was a tough decision, but come March I'm no longer going to work on DBS. A lot of changes are going on in my real life, and that's more important for me to focus on more than anything. I wondered why the original HollaBack DC became defunct, and now I realize why. Taking on this kind of responsibility is far from easy.

A lot of people thought that just because I did this blog I was an "expert" on handling street harassment. Not once on here did I ever consider myself an expert on anything. Many times I said I didn't know the answer and was willing to learn. Many times my reactions to things in the real world have been missteps. If you want real experts on handling street harassment, talk to Lauren Taylor or Martha Langelan. They're the ones coming up with effective ways on handling DC's street harassment problem.

I realize that quitting will have polarizing effects as well: the supporters will be shocked and beg me not to quit, and the naysayers will either think "Good riddance!" or be mad that they'll have one less person to heckle. Eventually, this will pass and everyone will move on. As I told my loved ones, "I am not Atlas and am tired of feeling like I have the burden of the world on my shoulders." I am burned out from trying to tackle all these problems, frustrated from dealing with Internet hecklers (the loudest ones online are the quietest in the real world I always say) and I feel that some of the concerned were right: I am too focused on this, and I need to worry more about my life outside of it.

Just because this blog will come to an end, it doesn't mean you won't have a place to voice your views on street harassment. As long as you have a voice in the world, you can use it (via writing, your own blog, etc.) to put it out there on your own. You don't need to be silent.

I'm going to step back into the background. Like someone told me, there are quieter and less dangerous ways of trying to change the world, and that's what I want to do.

It's been an interesting year running this blog. To those who submitted stories---stay strong and be safe. And to those who have supported me through thick and thin---you have my gratitude.

Signing off.

Flip-Flop

2008-02-16T22:27:00.001Z

There have been too many negative stories on here lately, and I want to focus on the positive.

Something happened with the men on the streets in DC today. Sure, I still got "hey, baby" and "hey, sexy" and men getting too close, but the majority of the men out today said "Good morning" or "Hello, miss" and "Have a nice day." I was impressed! Kudos!

And there were some things said to me that were silly beyond belief. While I was in Petworth today, a man near Flip It Bakery said, "Girl, you are the most positive thing that happened to me today!" I did respond with "The only person I am a positive thing to happen to is myself," but I had to chuckle because it was so cheesy!

And back in my neck of the woods, someone yelled from their car across the street: "GIRL, YOU BE ROCKIN' DEM LOCKS!" which caused me to giggle. The guy said "Whatever!" and drove off. Something about today just had a more positive air to it.

There were a few negative encounters though. I saw a mob of girls at Brookland Station that looked like trouble. One of them looked like the girl who tried to get into it with me the other day, so I maintained my distance. I want to move on and learn from past mistakes. They were screaming, cursing, and "droppin' it like it's hot." When I see young girls shaking and popping their butts like that, I shake my head in disbelief. When did girls stop being girls and become so damn fast-acting?

At the platform, two more bad-acting girls looked me up and down and made snide comments about me. "I'mma tell her she wear ugly boots," one gestured towards me. You know what? Let them think my boots are ugly---I don't care. The truly ugly thing is that those girls wanted to be randomly hateful towards a stranger. (And shoot, I get compliments on those boots all the time! Please!) But I didn't respond. Nothing to get into a fight over.

What did worry me is something that was about to get ugly on the train. Between Rhode Island Avenue and New York Avenue stations, two men got into a fight out of nowhere. One was a conservatively-dressed Black man, the other a Rastafarian style one.

Conservative: "I know you better stop looking at me like that."
Rastafarian: "What are you talking about?"
Conservative: "Look at me again like that and I'll beat yo' ass!"
Rastafarian: "I ain't scared of yo' bitch-ass!"

There was "bitch-ass" this and "n***a" that and it was bad. I was contemplating how I could step in---but without putting myself on the line like I did before. Once again to my surprise, fast-acting commuters stepped in.

An older gentleman said, "Brothers, please. There are children [he gestures to teens sitting nearby on the train] here. It's a nice day out and the world is a too crazy place. Please respect all that want to ride and take it outside."

It wouldn't stop. I was getting off at New York Avenue and was going to go to an intercom before I exited. But a woman beat me to it:

"There are two men fighting on this train and you need to do something about it," she said in it.

I don't know the outcome, but I hope Metro Police stepped in. And with all the drama going on this past week, it was good to see flips: People who do care about doing the right thing, and the teens being the most quiet and well-behaved (the ones on the train during the altercation). Kudos to the good citizens of DC.

"Is there really nothing that could have helped?"

2008-02-15T13:35:00.000Z

Lynn sent this message:

This is a great idea for a blog. I was looking for a place to vent and get support from people who went through similar problems, but it doesn't seem like there's a lot of other places to go. Please let me know about other places to look, if you know of any.

I got the sense when I filed a police report that they don't worry about small things like attempted robbery or attempted assault. I'd be fine with that as long as there was someplace else to deal with these issues, like a neighborhood watch or local community organization. I think you're just asking for more trouble if you don't crack down on the small stuff.

Last Tuesday (Super Tuesday) I was walking alone back to my car parked by 2nd and I (EYE) St, NW DC around 6:50pm, when 3 teenage black girls asked me for money and attacked me. It didn't seem unusual at first to be harassed by a group of young black girls, which this blog made me realize is kind of sad. They weren't violent at first, they seemed like they were just average 12 or 13 year olds who don't get enough attention and were trying to have some fun. If anyone knows how to deal with teenagers, please let me know. Even if you are seriously trying to help them, they want to take advantage of you without any regrets. I tried to just be respectful, and hope that they would realize it wasn't that fun to harass someone. They decided to punch me as hard and as often as they could in my head. They aren't strong, so I wasn't hurt much at all, but they were very persistent and I had to be saved by a car passing by and stopping.

No one was hurt and nothing was stolen, but I really think the girls would do this again to someone else.

Would beating them up have taught them a lesson or would they just carry a weapon the next time?

If I had gone ahead and maced the girls without even talking to them, does that make me look like the criminal? Usually I think I should at least try to talk to a person to figure out what's wrong.

The girls could have been much worse, they could have pushed me into moving traffic, or stolen my car. They sounded like they didn't want me to get hurt. But I definitely think giving them any money would have just led to more problems-not that I had that much money anyway.

Is there really nothing that could have helped?

Thanks for your story, Lynn. I hope these girls were caught and I hope one day they learn a lesson. To answer your question, I don't know the answer to handling the surge of troubled youth in DC. I don't.

And to take a quote from your message:

"It didn't seem unusual at first to be harassed by a group of young black girls, which this blog made me realize is kind of sad."

It is. I'm a Black woman, and when posting my write-up on dealing with rowdy kids, I cringed when I posted their race in my description. I hate that people equate being Black with being violent, compassionless and directionless. I see this behavior too frequently in Black youth. It's probably the reason why I take the bad behavior so personally. Contrary to what the naysayers ("Ignore it!" "It's not your problem!") say, it's not easy to disregard when people the same color as me are doing this. In a world where the negative stereotypes rise above the positives, I want what's best for the people of my race. And you're damn right that I will get angry and frustrated. Do these kids not realize what they're doing? Acting like a bunch of mindless buffoons because lord forbid anyone accuses them of "acting white."

I don't have the answer as to how to handle teenagers. DC is not an episode of Maury where D. West comes out on stage on a rampage screaming in the faces of bad teens. No one can rally all the bad teens of DC to spend a night in the roughest prisons or in a morgue. We can't corral them all off to boot camp, then expect them to come home the next day saying "I'm sorry, Ma! I'll be good!" Change is a constant, it doesn't happen overnight.

If anyone has the panacea to handling these kids, let me know. Because I just don't know what to do.

Assault on the Red Line---Three Years Ago

2008-02-14T23:47:00.005Z

In one of the DCist articles I was reading about crime and violent teens on Metro, I came across a link to this blog post. It may be three years old, but what is described in this story hit a nerve with me. A young woman trying to commute on the Red Line was assaulted by a rowdy group of teenage girls near Van Ness Station and had her iPod stolen. Try as she did to contact transit police and keep tabs on these girls to make sure they didn't get away, tney did indeed get away. [Note: From what I gathered from other posts on that blog, one of them was eventually caught (link). There is justice in this world after all.]

But what makes me irate is that nothing much has been done to curb crime on Metro since '05. You'd think they'd up their security on Metrobus and Rail, but nothing doing. Granted, I heard from someone on my community list serv that they're installing ~~plexiglass~~ a safety shield to protect the drivers. When Metro decides to do something to make it safer for its riders as well, then let me know. We pay too much money to worry for our safety while getting around.

Another Voice of Support

2008-02-14T21:11:00.003Z

Just when my hopes were getting down about the way things are in DC (the street harassment and violence) Emily sent this message:

I just wanted to say hey, and thanks for writing this blog. You give me hope and make me feel like when I am confronted with things, I can stand up and say something about it.

There was a teenager who got stabbed on the ~~Green~~ Blue Line a couple of days ago (I think dcist.com had a link to it) and nobody did ANYTHING. [Editor's note: Thank you M for producing the link to this.] He was pleading with someone to call 911 and nobody did. A lot of that IS the bystander syndrome, and I think one way to combat it is to talk to specific people. I do this when I'm getting on the Metro and people won't move in to the middle of the car. Instead of yelling "please move in", say to one person "Hey, you, with the green jacket. Please move in. Thanks!"

Anyway. Thank you. Thank you for talking about this bullshit, and thank you for continuing to talk and for not getting too discouraged.

Thank you for this heartfelt message. My actions may not have made those kids realize the error of their ways, nor did it make others witnessing it realize that things need to be done, but kind words of encouragement are louder than the negativity. Thank you.

"Not your problem."

2008-02-14T16:59:00.000Z

I am still aggravated about yesterday's run-in with the bad kids. I don't know what upsets me more---kids having no respect for anything or anyone, not even themselves, or the apathy I deal with as a result of trying (and failing) to discipline these kids.

I spoke to my mother about this last night, and I just need to understand that we'll never see eye-to-eye on these things.

"You've gotta be careful because it's too dangerous out there," she said. "You shouldn't have done anything. You should've just ignored them."
"These kids get away with too much," I said. "That's because all people do is ignore them and give them the idea that this horrendous behavior is okay."
"You're a single female, by yourself, none of these people know you, you're putting yourself in bad situations by trying to 'handle it.' One person can't do it alone."
"I tried to rally people to help," I said.
"None of those people care about helping people," she said. "People are either afraid or they just don't care. They probably didn't do anything because they thought you were all fooling around. Did anyone intervene? What did anyone else think?"
"My group [DBS] supports me," I said.
"What did the people on the bus think?" she asked.
"They don't care. . .no one cares," I responded with regret.

I think about the past DBS posts. A man hits a girl on a bus in St. Louis and no one comes to her aid. A young woman gets attacked on the Green Line and though she called for help only a teenage girl intervened. I could go on all day with these Genovese syndrome stories.

It's not fair that this is the way it is. What kind of world do we live in where men can stand on street corners hassling women, where kids can cause adults to tremble in fear, where helping your fellow man or woman is frowned upon? It's not a world I want to be a part of.

Nothing will ever be perfect, but I long for the day when I can walk down a neighborhood street and enjoy the fresh air, and not worry about being cajoled or assaulted. I have the right as an individual, as a human being to walk down the streets fearless and free. Everyone has that right and should be able to enjoy it. Harassment, troublemaking and assault should are illegal and should be enforced as such.

I plan on writing a letter to the mayor in the near future about this epidemic in the district. My mother was right about one thing---one person can't do it alone.

Metro Has A Failing Lesson for Unruly Students

2008-02-13T14:45:00.001Z

I was browsing around online, just trying to gather info on more effective ways of handling these rowdy kids, and I came across this year-old Washington Post article about Metro's plan to curb the behavior of those kids. Apparently it hasn't worked because these kids still act like they have no sense, and I haven't really heard about this program going on in the present lately. We were all teenagers once, and we know good and well that no corny assemblies, slogans, posters, etc. are going to make these kids magically become model citizens. What to do, what to do, what to do.

Metro really needs to get more police involved, especially during the times kids are heading off to school (morning rush and evening rush). And if they are on duty they need to do their jobs! I read a lot of comments for the article about the inactivity of police officers when something does happen. There should be a form of punishment for those who act up on public transit. Fine these kids, arrest them, inform their schools so action can be taken there, and last and definitely not least GET THE PARENTS INVOLVED! If a parent knows that his/her child is acting up in public, either get the parent to be involved in punishing their kid, or if the parent is part of the problem fine him/her. I'm tired of new generations of thugs and gangstas being born to unfit parents.

As much as my hometown of Buffalo is flawed, at least NFTA handled rowdy kids better. They'd give warnings, kick them off the bus/train (they would make those kids walk!), or even prohibited them from boarding. I remember the days when a mob of loud, crazy teens were congregating at one stop, and the bus---having plenty of room---passed them right by!

I am like a broken record with this one---if more adults reclaimed their rights to being adults and taking charge, then we wouldn't have this problem with bad kids.

Rowdy Teens Attack on Morning Commute

2008-02-13T11:23:00.002Z

I was not expecting to come to blows with rowdy kids on my morning commute to work today.

I waited for the 80 bus towards Kennedy Center at around 9:20 this morning. The bus came at approximately 9:30. I normally sit near the front of the bus, but I couldn't find an available seat. I sit near the back near the rear exit, and three rowdy teens---a boy and two girls---were sitting in the back making all sorts of noise. It was their "typical friendly" conversation---calling people "n***a," showing schadenfreude at their "friends" getting hit with balls in gym class, and other profanitites and obscenities. It's only five minutes to the train station, I thought to myself. I'll live.

But I couldn't. The more these kids spoke vulgar and cruel words, the more riled up I got. When the boy started saying "Dick. D-I-C-K. Dickdickdickdickdickdick. . ." I had lost my cool.

"Be quiet and show some respect!" I yelled. Typical reaction from rowdy teens: They get quiet and shocked that someone gives them orders, then break out into laughter. No respect for authority, and like I said, these kids mistake me for a teenager. They think it's one of their peers telling them to be quiet.

They then start doing their other typical reaction: the mock and repeat. "She said---"
"I know what I said," I replied. "I don't need to hear it again. You heard me---show some respect."

The fact that these kids had no respect for what I said---they continued to mock and cajole---had me furious. I lost my temper and did the worst thing---cursed them out. From the street harassment workshop, I learned that it's normal human nature to not always keep a calm facade. And it was too hard of a situation to keep my cool.

The one girl, ugly as sin, was threatening to fight me. "Fuck you, bitch!" she yelled. "Bitch, I'll beat yo' ass! Fuck you!"

The other girl slackly held her back. At that moment, I regained my cool. I didn't get out of my seat and spoke with a cool tone. "I'm sitting in my seat, keeping my cool yet you're ranting and raving like an idiot," I said.

The other girl was starting to mock too. "I'll let her go!" she said. "I'll let her loose to fight you."

"Fuck you, bitch!" the girl kept yelling at me. "I'll kill you!"
Annoyed, I got into the "I take tae kwon do---" but I never finished my sentence. That caused them to break out into laughter. "So the fuck what?!" the ugly fighting girl said. "I take ty-kwa-see-koo! I don't give a fuck!"

I was irate. "I may not be from the hood," I said, "but I'll beat your asses." Because I am fed up. I am tired of these kids running rampant and terrorizing people. I am tired of these kids getting away these crimes against humanity. I am sick and damn tired. In sparring class, I come home bruised because I have to spar guys (yes, guys) who are twice my height and size. I may not be the best fighter, but I've learned to take a hit and keep going. If standing up for myself meant getting beaten to a pulp, so be it.

The bus got to Brookland Metro and I thought it was over. As I got off, the kids seemed to be staying on the bus. Was I wrong.

I headed towards the train and see the three kids behind me. They were still itching to fight. Normal people get their morning buzz from coffee, not from fighting people. I took strategic action. It was easier to run on a bus than it was to run down the stairs (broken escalator) and get to the train manager. I saw an H2 to Van Ness sitting at the stop. I ran on and told the driver to call the police. Why he didn't immediately call the police was beyond me.

He did, however, close the door to the bus and told the kids to go away. Those kids screamed and banged and said "WE NEED TO TAKE THIS BUS! THIS OUR BUS!" He succumbed to them.

"Are you going to be good?" he asked. "I won't let you on if you won't be good."

We all know those kids had no intention of behaving. He opens the door and lets them on. The boy and the other girl walked past me, but the ugly girl lunged at me as if she was going to punch me. I acted instinctively, and pushed her with all my might. I restrained her temporarily against one of the poles on the bus, and prayed for the strength to keep her there. She was about 5'9'' and bigger than me.

But get this. The bus driver says, "I was going to call the police for you, but you're the one starting to attack now!" What the fuck?! This girl was lunging towards me like she was going to punch me and I act in self-defense! Had the bus driver called the police like I told him to, we could have avoided that! But nope, he sat back as if he was watching an episode of Jerry Springer!

Then these lying-ass hoodrat kids started saying "We didn't do nothin'! We ain't do nothin'!" I don't hit, push or attack anyone unless I am attacked. Had that girl not lunged at me, I wouldn't have touched her.

The boy, who's about 6'2'', then tried to approach me ready to fight. I pushed him and he stumbled a tidge. He was really ready to beat my ass.

The bus driver told me to get off the bus and go to the Metro station manager
to report them. I get off the bus, but not without these kids yelling shit at me from the bus window.

I went to the Brookland Station manager to tell him to call the police.

"They're on the H2 now," I said.
"What number?" he asked.
"H2," I said.
"What's the bus number?" he asked.

Damn it! I hadn't noticed the bus number. "I don't know it," I said. "But it's the H2 that's sitting outside right now." He finally called transit police, but seconds later I'm at the train platform, and can see that that H2 is long gone. So these kids got away with their bullshit because no one wanted to take action. I was riled up when I got on the train, but during the commute I became calm. As soon as I got to work I filed an email complaint about the incident to WMATA, typed up this post, and will be submitting it to my community list serv (doing what I learned from the community safety workshop). I read something similar on my community list serv---one guy tried to deal with rowdy kids on Metro, tried to rally people to help him, but no one would. Shaking my head in disbelief.

Here are my descriptions of these kids:

The boy was about 6'2''. He wore a dark, olive green coat and had a cap on. He is Black, has dark skin, and had chin-length twists/dreads.

The girl who tried to fight me is about 5'9''. She is also Black. She had skinny braids in her hair, that shape-wise reminded me of the sandworms in Beetlejuice. She wore a ponytail on the right side of her head with a blue and orange plaid puffy bow. Her eyes were tired-looking, and she had huge heart-shaped lips with long teeth and a huge gap between them. She had this perpetually dumb look on her face that I will never forget.

I didn't take good notice of the third girl. All I can say is that she is also Black, about 5'7'', and also had braids in her hair similar to the other girl.

No one should have to suffer through noise, chaos, violence and dischord on a morning commute---or ever. Like I learned from the workshop, do whatever you can to get a description of perpetrators---like I did---and spread the word. It'll make it easier to prevent them from doing this again.

I'm fine, all. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm fine. Bad-ass kids won't stop me from living my life.

Response to "Drive-by Hollas Drive Me Crazy!!"

2008-02-11T17:15:00.000Z

Martha Langelan got back in touch with me and we had a lengthy conversation about dealing with drive-by hollas, prompted by my recent incidences with them.

Here is the advice she gave for dealing with it:

---A shortened version of the all-purpose statement: "Stop harassing women." Flat-out statement, as quick as the men who zip by honking or yelling out of their cars.
---If you have the time (the car's at a light or is slowed-down enough to hear you), back it up with "Show some respect!"
---Try to get the license plate number of the car. If you can't see it, pretending to write it down usually scares the men enough to stop.

Martha recalled a story of women in small-town Ohio who gathered car and driver descriptions, along with their license plate numbers. The women used this information and let people know around town about these drive-by harassers. Since it was such a small town, word got around quickly and the mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, etc. let these men have it!

---If the harassment from a car gets aggressive or threatening and you managed to get their license plate number, call the authorities. If it's a case of a business vehicle doing this and you didn't get the plate number, calling the business with a description of the vehicle and driver, time and date of incident, as well as location of incident should be enough to call in with.
---Another tactic is to rally the neighborhood together to declare the neighborhood a "harassment-free/hassle-free zone." Put signs and flyers up in the neighborhood letting everyone know that harassment will not be tolerated. Martha said that if enough signs are up and you're walking along a street and a man pulls his harassment mess, just point at the sign and it should scare him enough to let you be.

And in terms of dealing with "loitering loser"-types, here's another idea from Martha. Rally these men to be allies. Say: "You men are out on the corner all the time. We need your help in making the streets safer for women." Teach them the "stop harassing women" mantra so when they see men on the street harassing women, they'll join in the fight against harassment as opposed to the actual harassment. Getting them to do something positive in the community makes them feel like real men. Just by getting those harassers to ally with you means that the number of harassers on the street will decrease.

It's more helpful information I want to use in my daily life! I want to feel powerful---not powerless---when dealing with drive-by harassment.

Women-Only Buses in Mexico

2008-02-11T15:32:00.000Z

Thank you Storme for sending me a link to this article. It's a sad time indeed when the problem with lecherous losers is so bad that the genders have to be separated. But because these men don't know how to keep their comments and their hands to themselves, these women need a safe way of commuting, and the women-only buses are the way of doing so. I'm sure if we did this in DC, harassment on Metro and Metrobus would decrease significantly, but this city barely has enough money to keep the trains running and on time.

Response to "Alert! Alert! DC has an infestation. . ."

2008-02-11T12:15:00.000Z

Elizabeth sent this email message in response to the aforementioned post:

I appreciate and admire the ones who stood up to the behavior. I am also finding the main blogger's comments helpful!

There is a remnant of respect towards the aged. Recently, an older woman simply said to two boys who were playing their music too loud on the metro, "That's too loud, please turn it down" and they did it.

My past attempts were not as fruitful. Two kids were sitting on each other's laps and leaning all over me on the Metro en route to Wilson High. I told them to stop, and you're right, they just parroted back my words to me and continued. I got really incensed and called the school principal with a detailed description of the main trouble-maker. The office asked me to email the principal, Ms. Williams, with the details, which I did, but was told "that pretty much describes each of our students and we can't find and speak with the one you mentioned."

I am a mentor with a local program for high school kids, College Bound. I love it and think the program is very positive for the kids who are enrolled. This program is going to make sure that kids don't slip between the cracks and fail to graduate from high school. If a student is in the middle of a misunderstanding with a teacher, the program will help figure our a solution. However, there are a few boys and girls who come to the meetings every week and don't have their own mentor yet. I hope a few adults will be willing to do this! The mentors are a group of good people, racially diverse, age diverse but more on the young (20s and 30s) end of the spectrum.

Thanks, Elizabeth. I'll repeat, gauging the situation, deciding whether or not to take action, reporting it to the authorities, and mentor programs are the way to go when dealing with these rowdy, misguided kids.

What baffles me is Ms. Williams's comment about "that pretty much describes each of our students and we can't find and speak with the one you mentioned." Huh?! So you're saying that all the kids in your school are disruptive, disrespectful and don't listen to authority? Ms. Williams, you have no faith in your own high school.

Also, the comments have been opened to all Bloggers for the original post. I definitely want to get an open discussion going there!

Highlights from the Martha Langelan Workshop

2008-02-10T16:37:00.000Z

Though I was sick to death with the flu, I managed to get to the January 31st workshop as promised. It was a workshop for the Eastern Mennonite University students, and I was an invited guest. (No other outsiders attended, unfortunately, but the next time an event like this happens I hope more can attend!) The EMU interns were all ill with colds and flus as well, but it didn't stop anyone from enjoying the experience.

Martha Langelan may be a small woman, but she is by no means a fearful one. The reason why she got into self-defense and martial arts is because she didn't want to fit the stereotype of being a scared, helpless girl, and wanted to give women the chance to defend themselves as well.

Here are my notes from that night:

1. Kids Getting Hit

Have you ever witnessed a situation where a kid is getting yelled at or hit by his/her mom/dad? You know that feeling . . . you want to step in but don't know how to go about it without becoming the object of the parent's anger or bringing more harm to the child. Martha came up with two techniques for handling this:

a) "Praise the Baby." This means to tell the child something good about his/herself, like "What a good baby you are!" "That is the cutest shirt!" "What a pretty smile you have!" Those things detract from the parent's anger, and give the parent an impression that s/he's a good parent that's raised a good child.

b) A similar tact is to tell the child how good s/he was acting. This helps if the child was acting up in public, and the child will probably start to behave better. It once again points out the positive as opposed to the negative. Also, the parent will feel like s/he is a good parent if the positive is pointed out.

2. Muggings

Muggings take on average a quick 15 seconds. The assailant is usually a scared teenager, and a deadly weapon is usually involved. Here are ways to handle being mugged:

a) Stay calm. If you get in what Martha calls "scared rabbit" mode (body tenses and you hold your breath), you can slowly breathe it out as you do the next actions:

b) Drop bag/wallet/whatever object. No inanimate object is worth your safety. Back away about 10 feet (not too close, not too far), then say "Take the ______."

c) Try your best to get three distinct details about the mugger. Get physical things, such as eyebrow shape, scars, tattoos, eye colors, nose size/shape, etc. You could say "yellow shirt," but that could change while physical traits tend to remain constant.

d) Run to safety.

e) Tell your neighbors, the police, anyone about this. The more people know the more allies you have to get that perp off the streets.

f) Put up flyers to help get the word out about the mugger, which has a similar result as point e).

3. Observation Circle

a) Try to take note of the people around you, using about a 10-foot radius per side (front, back, left, right).
b) TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!
c) Speak first to the people you pass. A simple "Hello, sir/ma'am" could diffuse a potential situation.
d) When noticing the people in your observation circle, take note of the physical traits, such as scars, tattoos, odd body language, tension, etc.
e) We live in a world of technology with cell phones and iPods. Oftentimes we use those devices to try to prevent street harassers from bothering us. Martha thinks that a better tactic is to keep your phone in your pocket and use it for emergencies only. Anyone yakking away on a cell phone has their guard down and could put themselves at risk for danger. The same thing goes for iPods/headphones---don't wear them out in public and keep alert.

4. What If?

To prepare for danger, do the following. Varying your routes and times of getting around throws a potential stalker off track. In your neighborhood, look for the houses/businesses with their lights on. Walk around your neighborhood to get a sense of it (finding out where certain streets begin/end, looking out for dead ends, etc.). If you're ever in a precarious situation, use an "everyday weapon" (a pen to stab an assailant, a wicker laundry basket to prevent a knife from stabbing you, throwing bleach from the cabinet at the assailant, etc.) in your house or wherever you are at that moment.

5. Burglars

Practice ways of getting out of your house with efficiency and get to a neighbor's house. Call 911 from there. In case of burglary, make up a code word that only your family and trusted neighbors know (like "banana") and come up with a meeting place (the neighbor's house).

6. Carjackings

Similar to the burglary incident, practice ways of getting out of your car. Use a code word. If you have a baby/child in a car seat, practice the fastest way of getting him/her out of that seat (even if it means keeping him/her in the seat). Teach your older children how to help getting their little siblings out. Get out of the car away from the assailant. And let the perp have those keys---as noted above, no car is worth your life being taken.

Now here is information related to harassment, bullying and bigotry.

Non-violent Confrontation:

1. Name the behavior (When you [state what the harasser did]).
a) Describe facts (When you pinch my butt/whistle at me/call me baby/etc. it creeps me out/makes me sick/it disrespects me/etc.)
b) Request/command what you want (From now on, you will/not touch me/say "Hello, miss" or "Hello, ma'am"/etc.)

2. All-purpose harassment statement:

"Stop harassing women. I don't like it. No one likes it. Show some respect." Say that in the most neutral (not too aggressive, not too passive) assertive tone.

If Joe Harasser is still running his mouth, the back-up line to use is "You heard me. Show some respect." Keep repeating this, even if the harasser is saying junk to save face.

a) Never ignore harassment. Ignoring it lets the perp get away with it, and it allows it to fester on the inside. Silence turns into stress.
b) The "F-Y" response is not a good tactic either. Cursing out the harassers can only escalate a potentially violent situation.
c) Running away can have a similar result to a). You haven't asserted yourself and you're holding it in.

3. A-B-C statement (be very concrete about A and C):

a) Tell the harasser what the problem is. ("When you whistle at me. . .")
b) What's the effect? ("It makes me uncomfortable.")
c) I want you to [say "Hello, ma'am"] from now on.

4. Substance comments vs. superficial comments

No woman trying to walk down a street wants to hear a valueless "hey, beautiful" from some man they don't know. The men giving "compliments" on the street are just using the women on the street as something to ogle. When they do that on the street, say "Thanks, but I prefer you to refer to me as "miss" or "ma'am" from now on."

When it happens at the workplace, where your work talent should be valued more than your physical appearance, answer with "Well, thanks, but I really want to know [what you thought about my presentation report/ad campaign ideas/etc.]."

5. The Socratic Question

When some man on the street makes a comment like "Girl, you be lookin' good enough to eat!" (yuck!), ask them to explain what they mean by it. Some harassers may actually try to come up with a dumb reason for their statements, but most will be embarrassed being caught saying something that stupid.

6. If you're bold enough, Martha's confrontation survey can help you approach street harassers when they do or say something stupid. 2/11/08: Edited to add updated mailing address for surveys. (If the download link expires, please let me know so I can renew it.)

7. If a man on public transportation puts his hand on your knee, you can remove it with the command/pinkie technique.

Say: "Your hand is on my knee. Remove it right now." Don't sugarcoat it with "please," "excuse me," "sorry," etc. It just weakens your command.

If the man doesn't comply, say: "You heard me. Remove it right now." While saying that, lift his hand off your knee, picking it up by his pinkie finger.

If the man still doesn't cooperate, rally the other passengers to help out. Granted, we live in a Kitty Genovese syndrome society, where people are afraid to jump in and help. Martha gave a tactic to overcome it:

Say: "Ladies and gentlemen, this man sitting next to me put his hand on my knee, and refuses to remove it. I need your help in describing him to the police. He is a [race] male, about [height] tall, who has [color] eyes, hair, etc."

Also, delegating tasks to specific passengers makes it hard for them to ignore or avoid. Say: "Young lady with the [article of clothing] on, go press the emergency button and contact the train operator." Drawing specific attention to these people will make them feel more obligated to help.

8. If you are attacked, yelling "HELP!" (soft consonant sounds) has no power. Yelling "FIRE!" doesn't help either. What does help in case of attack is the following:

"KI-YA! IT'S AN ATTACK! CALL THE COPS!" The bite of the "K" sound gets the message across loud and clear.

If you practice this with neighbors, this is the respond a neighbor who witnesses this should have. That neighbor will turn on his/her light and yell: "I SEE YOU, I HEAR YOU, I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

If the assailant has witnesses, he's less likely to attack and the victim can get free. If you're close to your neighbors, please practice this with them.

The rest of the workshop involved physical self-defense moves. It's hard to explain in words, so if you see me around ask me, and I'll gladly show you what to do.

I hope that what I learned from Martha Langelan's workshop is as helpful to you as it was to me.

Drive-By Hollas Drive Me Crazy!!

2008-02-09T16:05:00.000Z

A self-quote from the previous post:

Drive-by hollas leave me on edge because they happen in a split second and catch me off-guard.

I was out today looking for a new apartment. One of the neighborhoods I headed towards was Woodridge. I was running late and I power-walked down South Dakota Avenue. It seemed like a nice, ordinary day. I admired the scenery and nature as I walked.

After checking out the place, I saw so many nice houses, school buildings and churches that I wanted to explore the neighborhood. It was all good until I spotted a pack of "Loitering Losers." I was walking towards this school on Newton NE near 18th, and five crusty, old, bad-teeth having, pitiful men were leaning back against a car as if they were "Original Gangstas." Original Losers is more like it. They said "hi," I said "hi" back (being polite). Then they had to say "Um-um-um...gorgeous." I felt like I was going to throw up in my mouth.

Remembering what I learned from Martha Langelan's workshop, I approached them and told them "I don't like it when men I don't know give me compliments. It makes me uncomfortable. Just say 'hello, miss' or 'hello, ma'am.'"

They copped attitude when I made my spiel. "End of story!" they said, as I spoke.

I proceeded back towards South Dakota to get back home, and the men driving their cars would not leave me alone. Two men beeped their horns at me. One yelled "hello, girl!" out of his car.

"I don't talk to random men in cars!" I yelled. "Leave me alone!"

Another guy in a blue SUV would not leave me alone. He beeped his horn frantically, stuck his head out of the driver's window and waved at me.

"I don't know you," I said. "Stop waving at me!"

When the light turned green, he drove off, but not without trying to say more things to me.

"I don't want to talk to you. . .leave me alone!" I said.

The last was at South Dakota and 16th. A man driving a white truck (Was it a fish truck, furniture truck or moving truck? Unfortunately I didn't notice.) beeped at me and was saying "Hello!"

"I don't know you and I don't want to talk to random men in their vehicles," I said.

But he wouldn't let up.

"I'm just tryna say 'hi,'" he said.

"I do not want to talk to you or any other man from his car," I said. "Let me walk in peace!"

"All I wanted to do was say---"

"Do you hear me?!" I yelled. What little cool I had was gone. "Leave me the hell alone! I'm tired of you men honking at me, trying to talk to me. I don't want to talk to you. . .LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Unfortunately for me, this made me look bad, and anyone who witnessed it would've thought I was the crazy one. No one realizes that I deal with this mess every single day. (See the past few entries for my drive-by holla woes).

I proceeded back home with my head hanging down. I wanted to hide somewhere. My throat hurt from yelling at that last idiot. No one knows the pain I feel when I deal with harassment. And another thing that got to me was that I passed another solo young woman, who was probably going to deal with the South Dakota Avenue Showdown as well. The cycle never ends. I was very depressed from the SD Showdown that I called Martha Langelan, leaving a message on her phone asking how to handle drive-by harassment. When she responds (she's busy doing tours on street harassment on a regular basis), I'll post the answer in a future DBS entry.

I've done numerous posts on drive-by hollas. Out of all the harassment I deal with when I'm out and about, drive-by hollas are the worst. With men hanging out on the street, you can see your harasser(s). Like in my martial arts class, we learn about telegraphs---when you can just tell what your sparring opponent's going to do next. With street harassers, you can tell when they're going to say something smart alecky or ignorant, and you can be prepared with a reaction.

With drive-by hollas, you never know what will happen. A string of cars pass by and you can't tell if the first one or the tenth one will beep and try to crudely talk to you. They really send me over the edge. I can't (nor will I ever!) run into traffic to approach the men who do it, and there's the risk of one of these idiots deciding to grab their harassment recipients and restrain them in their vehicle, and do lord knows what to them. Also, they are in a vehicle that weighs a ton, which comes off as imposing and intimidating to the harassment recipient. Or they have a green light so they can proceed on their merry ways without fear of repercussions.

I repeatedly say this, any man who needs to hassle a woman trying to go about her day is a coward---the drive-by harassers more so. The men who do this mess out of their vehicles don't have the guts to bother a woman face to face. Do they not realize how tasteless it is to repeatedly honk their horns at a woman, or try to "mack on" a woman from their cars? It leaves a foul taste in my mouth recalling these incidents.

To quote from NOLA radfem's recent piece on street harassment, giving you the idea how I feel when dealing with drive-by harassers:

It means you are walking along, lost in your own thoughts. . .and some men in a truck drive by and yell at you, scaring you and leaving your heart pounding long after they've driven away laughing. . .[i]t means never, ever having the freedom to walk down the street, unmolested, safe, truly free and alone with your own thoughts.

And from Debs at Feminist Fire's piece:

[T]he men who did these things, will have moved on with their lives, in all likelihood completely forgetting about them, as if they are of no consequence. . .They have been brought up in such a way, and in such a world, that makes them truly believe they have an innate right to do and say whatever they want to women and girls, without consequences. The majority of the time, there are no consequences for the male, although there should be. The consequences for the female are deep and long-lasting, but why should women carry the burden of responsibility for men’s (supposedly the ’stronger’, more reasonable sex) words and actions?

These men do what the hell they want and get away with it, while being able to walk tall. We women have to internalize it and let it fester on the inside. Damn it, I'm tired of internalizing the pain of being a repeat harassment recipient.

Finally, for all the people who don't understand why I get on edge when these men feel the need to "compliment" me ("hey, beautiful," "hey, go-jiss [sic]"), here's my answer: BECAUSE I DON'T LEAVE MY HOUSE TO BE ON DISPLAY FOR THESE SORRY EXCUSES FOR MEN TO OGLE!!!! It is not any woman's job or responsibility to be a walking peep show for these losers. Every woman has the right to walk down the street, to run errands, to enjoy nature, to leave out to hang out with friends, without having their livelihood imposed on by these creeps. We have the right to be left alone.

Who is the HR representative for UPS?

2008-02-08T21:44:00.000Z

Because they keep hiring the same no good, no class-having men to work for them!

I was walking down P Street at about quarter to 6 this evening, and out of a UPS truck I heard "Guuuuuuuuuuurl, you look cute!" Tacky, unprofessional and crude. Drive-by hollas leave me on edge because they happen in a split second and catch me off-guard. It was hard to stay calm because it came out of nowhere. It made me uncomfortable and put me on the spot. I ended up yelling "I'm going to report you! That is ignorant and unprofessional!" but what good would that do when I 1) wasn't close enough to get his license plate number 2) couldn't even see his face. It bothers me that being in uniform and driving the UPS truck aren't deterrents to prevent these men from harassing women on the streets. Apparently UPS doesn't care about who they hire, as long as those trifling fools show up to get paid.

Closer to Dupont Circle, I had a harasser who I could see this time. This fat, disheveled man sitting at a bench kept whistling like a wolf at me. Nasty!

I walked up to him and said "I do not like it when you whistle at me. It creeps me out. From now on, if you want to get my attention or any other woman's attention, you say 'hello.' Stop harassing women."
"Hawh?!" he said, looking like an idiot.
"You heard me, stop harassing women," I repeated.
He obviously has mental problems because he resumed whistling at me. He's lucky it was me and not someone else dealing with him, because I'm sure someone bigger would've punched that man out.

Another day of defeat in the world of a harassment recipient. :-(

Alert! Alert! DC has an infestation. . .

2008-02-07T23:28:00.000Z

(2/11/08---Accidentally had the comment settings on "Blog admins only"---fixed it so anyone registered with Blogger can comment. I apologize for the inconvenience.)

. . .and I'm not talking about the rodents. I'm talking about the horribly-behaving, no common sense-having kids and teens running rampant in the streets. These kids have a negative outlook on life and horrible demeanors. When on public transportation, they make the trip for the common commuter painful and excruciating. Street harassment isn't only sexual harassment, so I'm using this post to talk about badly behaving kids.

I just got off the most painful train ride ever. At about 9:30 this evening, a mob of about 20 or so kids rushed onto the train at Rhode Island Avenue Station. They were screaming this-that, one made a comment about "stabbin' a n**** in the head" (this is their form of everyday "friendly" conversation) and they were running their mouths about a fight about to happen. These kids wanted to jump back off the train and fight on the platform. A station manager boarded and told the driver to close the door. The kids started copping attitudes. They were screaming, hollering and itching to fight. They got so loud that a little baby in a stroller started to cry. These fools were talking about jumping off the train in-between stops to run back and fight!

It didn't end there. A chunk of them got off at the same stop as I did. They were still walking in a mob, blocking the way, talking about fighting and finally worrying about what their mothers thought.

I'm puzzled. We had bad kids in Buffalo that mobbed together, intimidated people, caused noise and chaos in trains, but instead of sitting there in fear, people took action. Bus drivers would threaten to kick the kids off the train and make them walk. Some carried baseball bats. The drivers and train operators rarely showed fear. When dealing with bad kids at a job I used to work at years ago, one of the most nonsuspecting women---an older, quiet woman---stepped up to them and dealt with them. All said, why the hell are people in DC so afraid to discipline these bad kids?

I know there are a lot of worries about these kids carrying guns, knives and other weapons. However, there had to have been a time when people disciplined their kids and showed them who was in charge. When did adults relinquish this power to the kids?

I've been in many intimidating situations where it was them vs. me. There'd be a mob of them and only me. The worst experience was in Columbia Heights/Adams Morgan a few winters ago. My roommates were throwing a drunken party and I wanted to get away from there. I was going to take a bus to Tryst, but I missed the bus and it was too cold to stand still and wait for the next one (30 minutes). I thought I'd be fine walking (lapse of judgment there), but a group of kids---mostly boys but one girl---tried to crowd around me. I tried to get away. They started snickering and acting like it was funny. One sneaked up on me and when I turned around he ran away laughing. I will admit there that I was frightened. I cursed and screamed at those kids, but all it did was make it worse. Long story short, I was a wreck and petrified to head to that area---an area I frequent on a regular basis---for a good while, even in daytime.

Years later, I feel stronger and less afraid. I find myself more frustrated with than afraid of these kids. Why do they act like junior hoodlums? You can't talk to them like civilians, because to them respect and kindness is a joke. When you take the disciplinarian mode they want to fight. What the hell can we do with these kids?

Two boys from the train were standing at a bus stop across from mine. They gradually moved to be closer to me. (It wasn't an "I changed my mind and am taking a different bus" move. . .it was a sidle-up move.) My BS detector was up. When I heard them talking about "I'mma jump a White boy and rob him for his money!" and laughing, I wasn't having that. I may not be White and I was not their intended target, but I was disgusted regardless.

"You go right ahead and try," I said, with the nastiest sarcastic tone in my voice. "Go right ahead and rob someone."
The boys stopped in their tracks.
"We ain't say nothin' to you!" they said. Then they repeated what I said: Pattern #1 with bad kids---Repeat what you say verbatim as if you didn't remember what you had said.
"You need to go home to your mothers and leave people alone," I said.
They repeated me again. "She said we need to go home to our mothers---"
"Go home and leave people alone," I said. "Go. Home." What I said finally left them speechless.

It's hard for these kids to take me seriously when I get mistaken for a kid. I got on the bus, and girls from the earlier Metro incident boarded as well, screaming and still itching to fight. I dealt with it on the train---I was not going to deal with it on the bus.

"Be quiet and carry yourself like you have some sense," I said. "Show some respect."
Pattern #2 with bad kids: Say something to them, they get this blank look of shock in their faces, then they break out into laughter. That's exactly what happened. Anything said to them goes in one ear and out the other. Dealing with these kids is like dealing with a broken record. They're predictable.

"Who are you talkin' to like that?" the one girl said.
"I'm talking to you," I said. "I dealt with that noise from you on the Metro, and I refuse to deal with it on this bus ride home."
"I know you ain't talkin' to me like that," the girl said. "I'm 18 and a grown-ass woman, boo."
I needed to tell this "grown-ass woman" the truth. I did get up to approach her and her friend. I refused to be afraid.
"I'm 27 [well, I will be] and have got years on you. You need to act like you have some sense."
"I got a sister older than you [so?!], so I don't need to listen to you."
Some guy jumped in and told the girls to sit down and told me "we cool. It's a'ight."
"She tryin' to step up to me like dat," the girl kept complaining. "Who she think she is? She think she my mother."

The bus driver came up to me and asked what was going on. I let him know these girls were trouble. But in the pattern of fear, he acted like he was going to approach them, said something in a soft voice, then went back to the driver's seat. It is definitely them vs. me.

A lot of people tell me that the behavior of these kids is "not your problem." Unfortunately, when the bad behavior is in front of my face and affects what's going on around me, then it becomes my problem. And if more parents stepped in to teach their kids how to grow up and be productive adults, then it wouldn't be my problem.

The rest of the bus ride involved the girls mocking me and getting riled up. I don't know how, but I managed to maintain a sense of cool. I said "Keep on talking" and turned my music up to tune them out. They did a drill and a rap "Girl, get off da bus! Get off da bus!" as I exited the bus, and I gave them a look that read "I'm watching you." More adults need to step up and let these kids know that they won't let their bad behavior cow them.

I'm not saying to throw yourself in a dangerous situation. If a thug who's two times my size is threatening to beat the shit out of me, then I'm not going to approach him---martial arts training or not. These girls were my size, not a physical threat to me, and I didn't feel afraid to approach them. Gauge the situation, and if you feel you can handle it handle it. If not, get the authorities involved in the matter.

I have so many stories about these rowdy kids, but the frustrating thing is the rowdy kids get more attention than good kids. In Buffalo, you could read the Buffalo News and hear about the honor students, see the Super 7 student athletes on News Channel 7, and just know that good kids outshine the bad. I look at the Washington Post and all I hear about are the schools falling apart, failing parents, and kids killing each other. Enough is enough.

Another thing that frustrates me is the racial element. I hate reading comments in the Post from scared White people saying things such as "that's how Black kids are." No, it's not how all Black kids are---just the rowdy ones with no discipline. I'm not denying that there is racial tension between the White middle class and the Black lower class, but I hate how the actions of a few give these clowns reasons to justify their racism.

Other than trying to correct the kids' behavior, there are other ways of helping out. There are various mentor programs throughout DC looking for new recruits. (This is something I admit I am nervous to do, since I fear the mentee would find me "too dorky and rigid" to relate to. But trust me, I would love to do it one day.) Get involved in youth-oriented activities as well. I went to see the kids from Hart Middle School in Southeast from the DC Creative Writing Workshop read their poetry at the Borders on K Street last winter. They were fidgety and clowned around a little, but when each individual kid approached the podium to read their pieces, the tough veneers faded and a vulnerability shown through. I was impressed. It just shows that when you take the time to nurture these kids, they can be steered towards that straight and narrow path.

And I will give kudos to the adults I have seen take the time to discipline these kids:

1) Around summer 2006 when I lived in Alexandria, some boys got on a DASH bus and started critiquing the women on the bus, referring to them as "ugly," "I wanna f*** her," "bitch," etc. This bus driver asked the boys to come to the front of the bus, and he educated them and told them to respect women. That was cool! (This driver is a middle-aged guy with dreads and glasses, so if you see him driving the DASH still, give him the props he deserves.) He also helped me out once when some fool pushed people (myself included) out of the way and got aggressive at Van Dorn Station. The driver asked why I looked upset, I told him, and he got off the bus looking for that fool! (He wasn't found, but the action of his looking for this fool made me feel good.) Once again, this driver usually worked on the DASH 2 and 8 buses. If you see him, give him the respect he deserves.

2) Some rowdy girls got on the train towards Glenmont this past summer, and they were doing the usual screaming and talking about wanting to fight people. (The worst part was that their mother was nearby not doing a thing to control them!) A kindly older woman told them that they should "act like ladies" and tried to steer them towards a conversation about how they spent their day. (They had come from the zoo with their mother.) Though the girls sighed, copped attitudes and sucked their teeth, the woman wouldn't let up. The girls proceeded to scream and holler when they got off the train, but the woman didn't let it stop her from trying to instill values in them. I commended her for her patience with dealing with those girls, and she said "young ladies just need to know they can act like young ladies."

3) A meticulously-dressed older woman and her rowdy granddaughter approached the bus stop I was waiting at two weeks ago. The girl was rapping, her butt was hanging out of her clothes, and the grandmother looked harried. The girl was loud, and the grandmother was quiet. Finally:

"I don't know why that bus driver called the police on us," the girl said with an attitude.
"Because y'all kids don't know how to act," the grandmother replied. "Act like y'all ain't got no sense."
"That's how kids act!" the girl snapped.
"Y'all don't need to act like that," the grandmother said. "You need to learn how to sit and be quiet. I'm glad that woman called the police."

You tell 'em, Grandma!

In the end, we need to let these kids know that we adults are not afraid of them. And the children shall lead, when they get older, wiser, and learn how to stop antagonizing the people of DC and act with decorum and common sense.

(Turning the comments on for this one, since it needs to be discussed.)

Harassment in the Red Line District (Dupont, Farragut Square)

2008-02-06T22:30:00.000Z

I tell you---unseasonably warm weather brings out the worst harassers.

"Strange Harassment"
Walking down Connecticut towards Dupont Circle, a guy with dreads rode by on his skateboard. He singled me out as the 1) only other Black person 2) as a person with dreads amongst the many White people in that specific block.

"Rastafarian powerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" he squealed, while riding by. Great. He then stops near me.
"Have you heard of Haile Selassie?" he asked, the craziness obvious in his tone.
"Uh, no," I said, having a brain fart. The only thing on my mind was getting home to enjoy that burger I got from Five Guys. "And right now, I don't care."
"What?!" he said in shock. "Haile Selassie is the ultimate being of Black righteousness! The epitome of Rasta culture!"
"Dude, just because I'm Black and have dreads does not make me a Rasta," I said.
"Sista, you need to recognize! Embrace your Rasta-ness!"

This guy was annoying the crap out of me. He continued to skate on, screaming nonsense at me. I told him to please stop "coonin' and buffoonin'" and to leave me alone.

"Rasta power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled from down the street. All these stuffy, middle-aged White people had noticed this, and started mocking this guy. "We need to embrace our Rastaness!" they said. It was just an uncomfortable experience.

I thought he was gone for good, but when I continued on I noticed he stopped to talk to a homeless man. I sneaked by behind a group of people so he wouldn't see me. I have never been embarrassed that badly in public in my life.

The rest of my harassment instances of the night were more of the typical vein, but none less disgusting or aggravating.

Some guy standing in front of the Starbucks at Connecticut near the circle made kissing noises and winked at me.

"I do not like it when men make kissing noises at me," I said. "If you want to get my attention or other women's attentions, just say 'hello.'"
"Sorry, miss!" he said, nervously. "I didn't mean to look at you!" (So who were those kissing noises meant for? Either way, it's gross!)

Later this evening, I walked past the Pizza Hut on M Street. Two delivery guys were sitting outside of the restaurant on their delivery bikes. One of them was checking me out! Ugh! The other guy told the ogler to leave me alone, but the ogler wouldn't stop. He said something in the lines of wanting to "get wit' dat fine thing in that leather jacket." Barf-o-rama. I didn't have the words to respond back. I gave a look in disgust and shook my head.

Lastly, I made it to the bus stop and was waiting for it to take me home. This clown pulls up in a black SUV. Luckily for me he was in the left lane, so he wasn't directly near me. He beeps at me and waves as if he knows me, and I'm giving a look like "what the hell?!"

"Where are you goin'?" he asks in this whiny-sounding voice.
"I do not know you," I said. "When strange guys I don't know try to offer me a ride, it creeps me out."
"I seen [sic] you around," he said. Now that makes me extremely uncomfortable.
"I do not know you, please leave me alone," I said, trying to maintain my cool. I tried to use what I learned in Martha Langelan's workshop: a) naming the behavior ("When you _________________"), b) saying how it made me feel, then c) asking what I wanted the harasser to do in the future to modify his behavior. My rendering of it wasn't perfect, but I maintained a semblance of cool. My only huge mistake is saying "please." I was supposed to use an assertive tone with a neutral voice (which I did), and words like "please" and "sorry" water it down. Next time I'll remember.

The light turned green and the guy drove off, but his "I seen [sic] you around" still freaks me out. I can't go about my day anymore without worrying about these weird-ass guys following me and knowing my whereabouts. Reminds me of another thing I learned in Martha's workshop---never do anything routine or in a pattern. I need to change around how I get around so these men don't have a trace locked in on me. Sad it has to be that way.

So that's how I spent the rest of the night, dealing with creeps and losers.

Speak Out, Sisters!

2008-02-06T14:51:00.000Z

Thanks to HollaBack Talk for linking to these blogs.

Debs at Feminist Fire wrote a great piece chronicling the harassment she's dealt with her entire life, and exploring the power privilege that men who harass use against women. (Her post brought a lot of carthasis in the comments section.)

NOLA radfem did a write-up on harassment called Living While Female. Another great piece about how we women are living in a "war zone" when it comes to these harassing men.

Thank you ladies for opening up and writing these excellent pieces. Dealing with harassment is never a good thing, but talking about it instead of holding it in is a good thing.

Randoms

2008-02-06T13:28:00.000Z

"You're supposed to pick up the trash, not act like it."

As I was leaving for work yesterday, the garbage men came by to pick up the trash. One of them said, "Hey, pretty lady." Ugh. . .I cannot stand "compliments" from strange men. Not even my headphones could tune them out.

"Pretty lady?" I said. "I appreciate compliments, but not from men I don't know. That is too personal. The next time you see me, please refer to me as 'miss' or 'ma'am.' Have a good day."

I headed off, and the guy's partner said, "Hey, leave that girl alone!" Good! (And they actually left my trash can upright this time. . .thank you!)

From Thursday's workshop, Martha Langelan explained why women don't like these "compliments." She explained a scenario at a workplace: A woman has a boss that pays more attention to how she's dressed, her body, her physique as opposed to the job she's doing. He'll say "I love the way that blouse looks on you." He'll rub her shoulders while "complimenting" her and make her feel uncomfortable. Martha said that (and I agree with this) we want to feel valued for substantial things---intelligence, good work ethics, strong morals---not the superficial (how "attractive" we are or how we're dressed). Men tend to get more substantial compliments than women do. It's as if women are put on this earth to only be attractive for men. That we have no other purpose or goals in life. A substantial compliment ("Great presentation today!") holds a lot more value than one on surface appearance.

But how can this apply to the men on the streets? These men most of the time don't know how to be cordial to women. Hitting on women is their way of saying "good morning." Martha recalled a story where a drunken man would make sexual come-ons to her when she headed for presentations. She flat-out told him it made her uncomfortable, and his response was "I'm just trying to say 'good morning.'"

Without missing a beat, she told him that if he wanted to say 'good morning,' he can say 'good morning.' From that point on he, even though still being a drunk, respected her and told her 'good morning.'

Martha says something that has common sense: If you don't know someone, for the love of God don't do that "hey, pretty," "hey, beautiful," "hey, sexy" mess. Be pleasant and say "hello." It carries a lot more respect and weight than a superficial "hey, pretty."

"Fools' weather brings out foolish behavior"

The weather yesterday was unseasonably warm, and the fools were out on the street. Men were beeping their horns at me, and one driver "slowed his roll" and started yelling "hey, baby!" at me. I told him that yelling from his car was tacky and ignorant behavior, but unfortunately drive-by harassment is "hit and run" and there's never enough time for the message to get through. A man across the street witnessed it and looked shocked. Yes, you got a temporary glimpse of what it's like to walk home while female.

The same thing happened today. In my mundane outfit (sand-colored khakis, a yellow shrug and matching tee, tan shoes and small leather jacket), I got wolf-whistles, "hey, baby!" catcalls, horn-beeping, and cars slowing down. As I said earlier, there are better ways of saying "hello," and a better way of doing so is not out of a car window from across the street, but at a respectful distance face-to-face. I hope these men learn some manners by the time the warm weather returns on a more regular basis.

DBS Notes and Changes

2008-02-06T12:50:00.000Z

After last week's craziness, I'm turning the comments off for the time being (a la most HollaBack sites). Long story short, I let idiots and hecklers get to me and got carried away. People online get a sense of power out of being anonymous, and they abuse that power by leaving rude and counterproductive comments. (You can still send e-mails that are positive or constructive criticisms, but if it's rude and hateful it's getting trashed.)

(Start rant) In the same vein as the previous note, there have been a lot of bloggers who are either ending their Blogs or removing posts. The instigators are making it a nuisance to blog! I did remove posts from here because too much attention was being drawn to them. One commenter got carried away and started posting links to here on her blog and was dismissive with her "who cares? Ignore it!" attitude. (I won't link to it like I did last time.) These blog commenters think that people who have blogs write them with that specific person in mind. For example, Jane reads my blog. It gets linked to DC Blogs. Said post gets open to scrutiny, I use my power of personal choice to have it removed. Instead of accepting this decision, Jane and others get upset, as if I took candy from a baby. What I don't understand is this: It's my damn blog. Whatever I want published gets published. Whatever doesn't doesn't. I have every right to change my mind and have something removed. So why the hell are people getting upset about that? If you live your life waiting for new posts on people's blogs, then you're not truly living life. If people want to remove their blogs or posts, let them. Respect their decisions, move on, and please find something better to do with yourselves. (End rant)

I want to bring in team members for DBS, since I don't want all the burden put on me. If you're a DC resident (proper or Metro-area), deal with harassment or witness it in your community, and feel you have something to contribute to DBS, then send a brief e-mail message explaining why you want to be a DBS team member. I definitely want DBS to have a different voice and meaning to it. One point of view is not enough.

I'm just getting over the flu and still have to do a write-up on Martha Langelan's workshop last Thursday. When I get the chance I will do so. It was a great workshop and I learned a lot of tactics to combat street harassment, bullying, and physical violence.

All that said, I hope to see changes in how DBS is for 2008. I want this to be a more informative, constructive and worthwhile blog.

Community Safety/Street Harassment Workshop Tonight at 6:30

2008-01-31T16:40:00.000Z

Bumping this up so those who are interested can attend. There is an optional donation fee if you are interested in attending.

This message came from a community list serv:

Dear Neighbors:

We would like to invite you to join us for a community safety workshop led by Marty Langelan on Thursday January 31st at 6:30-9:30 pm in the basement meeting room of the Washington Community Scholars' Center at 836 Taylor Street NE.

We have room for about 5 more people in addition to the students in our program. Please email me by Tuesday if you would like to attend. The cost for Marty's workshops is normally $50 per person, but we are asking for a contribution of $25 (or less if you can't afford it) to help cover the cost.

Marty Langelan's workshops focus on positive actions that promote respect toward all members of a community and encourage cooperation between neighbors. Marty teaches how to respond to harassment in the street and the workplace, and how to prevent violence and escape a dangerous situation if you happen to encounter one. Her workshops are appropriate for women and men, including seniors and older children.

Marty is an engaging teacher, martial artist, and community activist. She has taught workshops in neighborhoods throughout DC. In May 2006, Mayor Anthony Williams recognized her lifelong work on violence and human rights with a proclamation declaring "Marty Langelan Day" in the District of Columbia.

Marty is an adjunct faculty member of American University, and she is past President of the DC Rape Crisis Center.

Doug Hertzler
Associate Director
Washington Community Scholars' Center
836 Taylor Street NE Washington, DC 20017
Phone: 202-529-5378
Fax: 202-529-0704

I really hope I can attend this event (I have a conflict on Thursdays). I own and have read Martha "Marty" Langelan's book, Back Off! How to Confront and Stop Sexual Harassment and Harassers. It is a good and informational book on how to counter street harassment. I remember sitting at a restaurant a few years ago waiting for my order and I had the book sitting on top of the table. I had to educate some man on what it was about. He kept referring to the book as "Black [sic] Off!" Okay. . . .

Anyway, if you're interested in attending this, please contact Doug at 202-529-5378. The address for the event once again is 836 Taylor Street NE, located in Brookland (Brookland/CUA on the Red Line).

Keep On. . .

2008-01-16T12:38:00.000Z

This one's from J.J. in Seattle:

Hey there. I have been reading your blog for months now. I live in Seattle, and lucky for me, we don't have to deal with much shit around here. Every once in awhile, I get some dude screaming out of car window about my tits, or some guy on the bus wanting to "get to know" me... It's annoying enough, but it doesn't hit me every time I'm trying to go to work, or just trying to come home after a long day. Lucky for me and my friends, Seattle (or at least my neighborhoods) are pretty safe and as harassment-free as a city will ever be. But I feel compelled to tell you, I think it is SO IMPORTANT that you are doing what you're doing... recording your experiences, and refusing to be silent, refusing to just take it. I know so many women who have been through countless experiences like those that you describe (mostly in East Coast cities, not sure why that is...) but they feel that it's just part of being a woman on your own, that there's nothing to be done about it. I tell them about your blog, and tell them to talk back, to not be afraid, to own their power. Knowing that there are women like you out there fighting makes me so proud. Keep it up, girl, and never let them get you down. They can annoy you, but those little pieces of shit can never touch your strength, your power, or your beauty. Fight on!

Thanks for the kind words. I truly appreciate it.

I've been researching different cities, and the consensus is that street harassment happens less there than it does in places like DC. I started posting at a forum for the US cities, and left a message about street harassment for a specific city I'm thinking about. They reacted as if they didn't know it existed. Also, they said that since it's more of a car environment than public transportation one that there aren't too many men hanging out on street corners harassing women.

I wonder if DC were a car culture if it would happen less. The men would be in cars as opposed to hanging out on the streets. Women would be in cars and wouldn't have to walk past a battery of insults from these losers. But in the same token, as stated in J.J.'s note, there are losers that like to yell from cars.

I know that there is a place safer and more female-friendly than DC --- I just need to find it!

Post-Anti-Street Harassment Rally Harassment

2008-01-16T12:28:00.000Z

Here's a submission from Alexandra:

Dear Golden Silence,

Thank you so much for creating this blog and creating a forum for people to vent their frustrations about this issue. My story is kind of ironic because my friend and I had just got back from an Anti-Street Harassment rally hosted by Empower DC. We were in Chinatown and three guys started yelling "Hey baby" and "Come here" at us from across the street. When my friend and I ignored them they started shouting the usual "Oh you think you're too good for me" and crossed right in the middle of the street and started following us. We yelled back at them to "leave us alone" and "would you talk to your mother or sister like that?" Luckily some guys intervened and stopped them but just to be safe we decided to walk a couple of blocks out of our way. I was so angry I had gone from feeling in empowered by the rally to being really pissed, scared and upset. Again thank you again for your blog.

It sucks to feel so empowered, feeling like you can put an end to street harassment, just for some punks to ruin that mood. I'm glad you two stood up for yourselves, and also glad that there are guys out there who realize that this is not the way for men to act and who stepped in.

I wish there were a way to put a mirror in front of these men, tape them, just show them how pathetic they look and sound when they act like this. Harassers, ask yourselves: What do you truly expect to gain from this?

As for the high you felt from leaving that rally, don't lose it. Keep positive that one day street harassment will come to an end.

On a Cold Winter's Night

2008-01-16T08:15:00.000Z

It was freezing cold out last night. One bus I normally take wouldn't be there for another 20 minutes; the other one 40. It takes me 20 minutes to walk home, so I opted to brave the cold as opposed to waiting for a bus that may or may not come on time. Cold as it was, the fools on the street were still up to their old tricks.

As I left the train station, some man in a parking lot would not stop beeping his horn at me. I acted like he didn't exist, though he wouldn't stop.

Walking down the main street, some guy crossed the street (yep!) and tried to talk to me.

"Hello, schweetheart," he said. Yuck. I acted like he didn't exist. Then:

"Can I roll wit' you?" Ugh! Now was time to use O's advice to me in a previous post.

"No, you may not. Have a good night," I said sharply, still walking.

"Can I get your numba?" In one ear, out the other.

Still walking, I replied to him one last time:

"I said 'No, you may not.' If you don't stop bothering me I'll call the police."

He says "huh?" and some other crap, but at least he stopped trying to follow me and talk to me.

I got closer to the spot where to 'Loitering Losers' normally hang out.

There's no way in hell they'll be sitting out here in the cold, I thought to myself. They're not that stupid. Yes, they are that stupid. Three of them were out there hanging out and acting like idiots. I got nervous, but acted like they too didn't exist. I walked with a purpose alright: To get out of this cold-ass weather and inside, into the shower to get that martial arts class sweat off me, and to have a hot dinner and get away from these fools!

The LL's got quiet for a moment, but I'd rather them be quiet than acting loud and pestering me.

I made it home in one piece, thankful that the cold didn't kill me, and I survived another night of street harassment, handling it pretty well might I add.

Where's Chris Hansen When You Need Him?

2008-01-14T12:22:00.000Z

Just my luck. The other day the 30-Line buses were running as usual (i.e., never on time, clumped together, falling apart, raggedy, etc.) and there was some nasty old fool on it --- and he was talking to teenagers. Nasty.As.Hell. He had to have been in his 50s.

I was sitting in front of his row at first. This one girl had the displeasure of sitting next to him. (The bus was crowded and there was nowhere else to move.)

Man: "What school you go to?"
Girl: (She names school --- NEVER, NEVER, NEVER give out personal information to strangers, especially creepy ones!)
Man: "What grade you in?"
Girl: "Senior."
Man: "Really. You look young. . .you look like a sophomore."

I glanced back at them. I was going to make sure nothing went on. This was a funky situation.

He seemed to be leaving her alone, but then I hear the girl yelling:

Man: "What you say, girl?"
Girl: "I said 'STOP LOOKIN' AT ME!!!!!!'!"
Man: "I ain't tryin' to do nothin' to you."

I jumped in.

"Leave that girl alone!" I yelled. "No one wants your old ass talking to them! You should know better talking to a girl a fraction of your age!"
"I wasn't talkin' to you," he replied.
"I don't care!" I yelled. "When creepy old men try to talk to girls and women who don't want to be bothered with them it makes me sick!"

The woman in front of me jumped in. "Leave that man alone," she said. "Ignore him."
I can't sit there and ignore this creep hassling a teenager.

A seat freed up and the girl got away from that loser and reunited with her friend. She then pulled out chips and started to eat them. (I know, not legal on Metro, but that's not the point.)

"Ooh girl, gimme some chips," he said.
"Leave those girls alone, you old-ass fool!" I yelled. The girls laughed.
"Ain't doin' nothin," the man mumbled. "I ain't tryin' to do nothin' and someone always gotta say somethin'. . ."

The woman in front of me chastised me again. "Seriously, I'm warning you. Leave.Him.Alone. He gets violent."

At "he gets violent" I then kept my mouth shut. As soon as that woman got off the bus, I moved in her previous seat.

I thought everything would be calm for the rest of the ride, but a group of teenage girls in soccer uniforms boarded the bus. The old coot found new targets.

"You just gettin' out a game?" he asked.
"Yes," they all answered in unison. Why these girls feel the need to respond to this loser is beyond me.

A stop or two later he finally gets off the bus. You know he's a problem passenger when the other passengers applaud his exit.

"Thank god he's off the bus," I said.
"I know," the woman next to me said.
"Targeting teenagers!" I said.
"He was on the bus since Pennsylvania Ave and acted like that the whole time," the woman replied. (We were in upper NW at the time, so that's too long to deal with idiot behavior.)

That loser should've been kicked off the bus much earlier. It sends a nervous feeling up my spine that he's sitting there trying to "holla" at teenage girls. He thought this behavior was normal! Typical pedophile. And I cannot get over the fact that these girls felt the need to talk to him. Never give out personal information, ever!

I hope he's banned from riding the bus in the future. Make his ass walk from Pennsylvania Ave. to upper NW.

What Brown Shouldn't Do For You

2008-01-11T16:16:00.000Z

I have no control over the creepy old guys who feel the need to tell me how pretty I am, but I do have control over how I react to them. For the past few days I've been acting like the ones on the street don't exist. Walking past them like they're background noise. For instance, some man bumming for money on the street completely ignored two couples that walked by him (probably because they were couples, not solo like me), but when I walked by he says "Hello, my beautiful angel." Ewwwwwww. Next.

It's one thing to get hit on by creepy guys on the street, but it's another when it's a man in uniform---our regular office UPS guy to be exact.

I was getting on the elevator and he was about to get off it. He puts his arm in the doorway to keep it from closing on me (polite) but then says, "There you go, beautiful" In.That.Tone. Sigh.

I tell him "That's unprofessional. You're in uniform. You shouldn't be hitting on me on the job. That's not cool." He acts professionally when he delivers our packages, so why should he change his demeanor when we're alone? Luckily for me he apologized and was polite about it.

Here's a response blogger Aileen left in my previous post:

I have to admit, I've had thoughts of worry about you personally on more than one occasion. It appears you are consumed with this issue (I hope that's not the case). But it seems like you are filled with rage and frustration and I know you are trying to "gain control" over the issue with this blog and with the movement you've started, but is the price too high to you personally?

DBS was formed as a replacement for HollaBackDC, which is now a "spam blog" (thanks to HollaBack Talk for that term). It was a way for harassment recipients and I to vent about dealing with street harassment. Because only street harassment is discussed here, many people misconstrue that as being "consumed" with it. Trust me, I'm not. When street harassment happens to me, yes, I'll post about it. The rest of the day I'm thinking of other things: work, martial arts, my online class, my favorite music and TV shows, meeting with friends, etc. So no, street harassment does not take up my life. It happens to me too damn frequently, yes, but it's not my main focus in life.

Also, I became an unofficial "street harassment activist" --- it fell into place, I guess. I get questions from people asking me what to do in this situation or that one. I honestly don't have all the answers and am learning myself. This blog is an educational experience for not only for the readers, but for me as well. And in my unofficial role, I have been starting to get the ball rolling on making the DC streets safer for women, like with our idea-exchanging meeting last month.

So for those who think I spend too much time on street harassment, look at it this way: If someone doesn't step in and do it, who else will?

(PS: Don't worry for me. . .I'll be fine.)

Street Harassment Photo Album on Flickr

2008-01-09T14:14:00.000Z

Here is a new photo album someone started to collect photos of street harassers.

There's only one but it's a definite start: In Detroit, some clown with a Slurpee in his hand is going "Move those hips." Yuck.

Also, thanks to HollaBack Talk for linking to DBS.

Why me?

2008-01-08T13:22:00.000Z

I am so sick of being singled out as a target for street harassment, catcalls, etc. Let me get about my day in peace, please!

Today I wore a shirt tunic, leggings/stretch pants, a sweater, leather boots and a leather jacket. I boarded the train at Fort Totten this morning and as I was walking towards the entrance some man looked me up and down and yelled "Girl, where da rest of your clothes?" in my ear. I don't think there's anything revealing about my outfit and I've worn it numerous occasions. (I'll post a photo of it later for proof.) I told him "Fool, please!" but that was not enough to get rid of the annoyance and invasion I felt.

When I arrived in Georgetown for work, there were Georgetown BID street cleaners hosing the street. I needed to walk past them and the one guy stopped his friend so I could get through without being hosed. That was nice, but then he had to go and ruin it:

"There you go, l'il mama," he said. Ugh.
"Excuse me," I said. "My name is not 'l'il mama.'"
"Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am," he said. Sorry, ma'am." Now he was acting like a petulant kid. Then he had to smirk at me.
"Do you see me smiling?" I said. "It's not funny."

The light changed and I could finally cross the street. His friend with the hose said something, but I couldn't hear it with the hose running, nor did I care to. I'm offended because it's just another intraracial "black man with no regard for black women" situation. I highly doubt he'd call a white woman or an older woman "l'il mama." It's tacky, disrespectful, and just flat-out rude and condescending. ~~I know what he looks like, but that's not enough to call the Georgetown BID and file a report. If only I got his name or badge number (if he has one).~~ ETA: I just called the BID anyway. I had the approximate time and the location, and that was enough.

It's hard to concentrate at work because I can't get this mess out of my head. These men just ruin my attitude and my day. Why me? Why do they have to single me out? I'm just trying to go about my day with no problems or trouble, but they have to say something. I don't walk around with a sign that says "Harass me! Condescend me! Devalue me!" I wish they'd learn keep their mouths shut by counting to three if they have nothing of substance to say. Leave me and other women alone. Keep your gratuitous thoughts to yourselves.

Non-Accidental Bump

2008-01-07T10:50:00.000Z

At Nappturality.com, a forum on Natural Black hair care, one of the posters wrote about being bumped into by some creepy guy, who then followed her and tried to hit on her. (You must be a registered user to view it.) It makes me sick to my stomach that men think this is the "normal" way to attract a woman's attention. You're getting attention alright - the negative kind. No woman wants or needs your nasty ass touching her in any way that's inappropriate.

Keep it in your pants, dude.

2008-01-06T20:22:00.000Z

Cristina at Eckington DC Living sent this post about getting flashed (again!) by some idiot with too much time (and a limp dick) on his hands. Ugh...nasty!

He's apparently a sad loser with no self-esteem if he feels the need to do that. Gross.

Response to "Intraracial Tension"

2008-01-06T20:07:00.000Z

O sent me this well-written response to "Intraracial Tension":

I'm a little late on the scene. Just read your intra-racial tension post. I have been through the same situation in the past, and I have regretted my reactions in the past. As a black woman I definitely understand how ignorant black people really wear on your nerves the most.

I'm fairly new to this city and have noticed that the DC harassers are slightly more aggressive than where I am from. However, when dealing with harassing black men, one thing has worked consistently well for me. It is especially effective if your harasser(s) ask a question - any question… Can I talk to you for a minute shortay? Can I walk with you baby? Even most statements (hey, slow down pretty lady, lemme talk to you for a second) can be answered in a way that stops the harassers cold.

If I am walking upon them, I always look them squarely in the eye, if but a swift moment, and reply with a firm "No Sir!" If I’ve already passed them, then I don’t turn around, but I make sure they can hear me as I continue walking: “NO SIR!” Don’t ask me how I figured this out – probably being sarcastic one day. But if anything can throw these fools off guard, it’s giving them “respect” in the face of their own ignorance. It has the effect of a low voltage stun gun. I call it the “verbal broken windows” theory. After saying this, I've never received a "stuck up *itch" or anything else out of they way. In fact, I can’t say that I’ve never heard any response from a harasser simplex-1. They are rendered speechless and confused enough for me to put a good distance between them and myself. Sort of works as a very quick way to let these people know WHO you are (as the guy blogger who's lived in Egypt before suggested): One to tolerate absolutely no crap from them.

The point is to never, ever stoop to the harassers' level. Don't let them bring you down, even one notch. Calling them a name (even "ignorant") would be doing so, and thus, quite ineffective. And certainly don't ever let them know what you're thinking (even if it’s a plea for them to go find some constructive reading material lol) as these aggressors only use that to try and find another inch.

Note: this does not work as well for the harasser simplex-2.B – the (drunk) bum-wanting-money. It is best to say nothing at all and refuse eye contact with them.

My two cents.

Happy New Year

Thank you, O. I am trying my hardest to come up with new methods to handle harassers. And I tell you, I'm sick of having struggles with people of my own race. We should be able to get along.

First DBS Submission of the New Year...

2008-01-04T21:34:00.000Z

...sigh. Days into the new year and it's already happening. When will these men ever quit bothering women? Here's the submission, from an anonymous contributor:

Last night I was walking to Border's Books at 12th & E Streets NW and a block or so before I approached the intersection, I removed my iPod and placed it into my purse. I had a fleeting thought cross my mind about how doing this increased the likelihood of being harassed by some creep but dismissed it as I was almost to Border's. I have noticed that street harassers (on the metro, in the streets, etc.) seem to take a lack of iPod or lack of a phone conversation to mean that a female is "available to approach". Within seconds of taking it off, some man lurking in the shadows said "Hey, baby." I wished the stupid light would hurry up and change. He said it again, in a leering, gross kind of way. The light changed and I crossed the street, making a point of looking preoccupied and busy. As I approached the store I turned to the left and saw that he had actually crossed the street and was ten feet or so up the sidewalk. He said, "Hey baby, why you gotta be so mean?" He continued with his commentary but the wind drowned him out. I paused and nearly made a comment to the effect of "Women are not required to acknowledge strange men on the street, nor are they required to walk around looking friendly for your benefit," but the freezing wind, my continuing fruitless search for 2008 Moleskine softcover planners, and my disgust with this jackass just made me ignore him.

Once again, the new year's barely started and these clowns are up to their old tricks. I'm so sick of them with their "Hey, baby" and "Why you gotta" this and "Why you gotta" that. They need to realize that they have no control over women's actions. They need to stop loitering on street corners, stalking women and leave us the hell alone.

So much for a harassment-free '08.

ETA: re: Lack of iPod, headphones, cell, etc.---It doesn't necessarily deter harassers. I cannot count the number of times these fools would still try to talk to me when I was on the phone or listening to music. I was in Dupont Circle last spring sitting on the fountain's ledge and my phone rang. This fool came up to me with that "Girl, can I talk to you?" mess! I gave him a "Fool, please" look and got up and walked away. He then proceeds to go to the CVS across the street to stand there, beg people for money, and stare at me. Nut.

Even telling them "I'm not interested" is no deterrent. I told someone I wasn't interested in what he had to say and he was still trying to talk to me. "Girl, I love you anyway!" (shudders)

Someone jokingly made a comment to me via e-mail that there should be a "charm school for harassers" to teach them how to be more respectable and better-mannered gentlemen. It was only a joke but I think that is an idea to truly consider implementing. These harassers need to learn manners and respect.

Not in my library!

2007-12-26T18:14:00.000Z

Something worse than street harassment happened before my eyes.

Just my luck. The Internet connection at my house is out of service for the next few days and the landlords aren't around to fix it (gotta love the holidays) so I have to lug my heavy laptop out. The wireless hotspots in my neighborhood are also closed for the holidays, so I took my laptop to the Petworth Library. I wish I could be home in my pajamas right now, but what can I do.

From where I'm sitting I can see what's going on. None of these people are using their computers for anything conductive (MySpace, rap videos, etc.), but I don't care about that. I'm trying to catch up with my massive emails, and all of a sudden, in full screen, I see oral sex happening on this middle-aged coot's computer. Ugh! Man, if you're going to look at porn, why do it in a public library where children are around? Keep that nastiness at home!

I get up to report it. This young guy at one desk tells me "talk to her," pointing at the head librarian. She's busy with another customer. So by the time the head librarian is somewhat free, the guy escapes, no one noticed him leave:

"He was the guy who just walked by two seconds ago," I said.
"Did he have sunglasses on?" the librarian asked.
"No," I said, somewhat annoyed. How could they not notice this fool walk by?!

I'm trying to get my head back together so I can continue my online errands (because I refuse to lug this laptop out of the house again---just have to deal with being Internet-free for the next few days), but seeing that nastiness in front of my eyes, and the indifferent reactions I got when reporting it makes me shake my head at people. I just don't get it.

DBS Shorts 12/22/07

2007-12-22T17:17:00.000Z

2007 is coming to an end and I really don't have much to say lately because street harassment hasn't been happening to me much - and it's much appreciated. I could attribute it to the fact that I've been taking the bus home lately as opposed to walking home from the train station. While a lot of the passengers of said bus are loud, tacky, obnoxious, drunk and crazy, it's easier to deal with than walking past the "Loitering Losers" on a dark night.

*************************************

I only had a half day of work Tuesday, so I used the remainder of the day to run errands. I carted bags of old clothes to the yellow donation box not too far from my house, and proceeded to dump them in it. I kept hearing "Excuse me, ma'am!" It was an appropriate gesture and it was still daylight out, but...

This fool was yelling this at me from the liquor store across the street! These men never want anything important enough for me to respond to, so I acted like he didn't exist as I continued to throw the bags into the donation bin. He never stopped screaming "Ma'am...MA'AM!!!!!" at me. I don't know where I got the resolve from to ignore him the whole time. One would think if I hadn't responded the first or second time he'd get the hint and leave me alone, but he kept at it. No common sense. I'm surprised I didn't get called "stuck-up bitch!" like I normally do when dealing with that.

It reminds me of when I was back in my hometown. I went to see a movie with my mother, and saw a woman in the lobby with the prettiest earrings on and I wanted to let her know that. "Excuse me, ma'am," I said as she came near us. She didn't respond or look in our direction.

"Maybe she didn't hear you," my mother said.
I said "Excuse me" again and was once again ignored. Yes, I was justifiably hurt, but I didn't start yelling "Fuck you, bitch!" like the men on the street do. When I ignore those men I wonder if I'm no better than that woman in the movie theater lobby from years back. But then I realize that these men most of the time are a physical threat and I need to keep cautious. Maybe the woman in the lobby was afraid of me and my mother because we're Black and she had unnecessary prejudices. . .I don't know. I just can't worry about the past and compare my actions to others, and must worry about myself.

*************************************

I was out late Wednesday in Georgetown, and the punks were out in full force. This group of college students (I assume) was making fun of people on the streets, bouncing around, and acting like idiots. They started laughing at me because (drumroll please!) I was wearing red shoes and had a matching red bag. You can't take fools who spout out "n***a!" "fuck!" and "p***y!" seriously. They blocked the streets and I couldn't get around them to get to the bus stop because they thought they were so damned important. Remembering what happened to me when I tried to get around a bunch of sidewalk-blocking fools before, I decided to not respond. Let them act like assholes. The ringleader of the group, a funky-looking girl with a cheap curly weave, stood right in the middle of the sidewalk and copped attitude when people bumped into her. Maybe if she didn't stand right in the middle of the sidewalk no one would bump into her. I made it home in one piece thank god, but next time I'm out late in Georgetown, I'll spend that extra dough and take a cab home (though it'll cost me an arm and a leg).

*************************************

Speaking of riding the aforementioned crazy bus home, yesterday was a trip. The chick in front of me was talking loudly into her phone about wiring someone money, the women across the aisle were laughing obnoxiously about stuff that wasn't funny, and one fool boarded the bus and squashed his too tall butt next to me. He kept leaning over me to look out the window (especially when we passed police cars and sirens), and while I was listening to old school stuff on my headphones (loud as possible to tune out the crazies) he started singing the "Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby" part to me from this K-Ci and JoJo song, "All My Life."

"Aw, hell no!" I said, and he left me alone. Unfortunately, he found another target, a teenage girl. Call me a coward, but I get tired of putting myself on the line for people who don't appreciate it. I'm tired of being insulted for being a good Samaritan. This fool was in his early 30s, and this girl didn't seem to mind his attention.

"You in high school?" he asked her.
"Yee-eh," she said, in that drawl the kids here have.
She then goes on to talk about her school's football team. Too much information and this fool didn't need to be talking to her. But the scenario with me is that:

1. I'll say "Leave that girl alone!"
2. I get called a "bitch" by the offender
3. Person I'm trying to help says "I'm grown...I don't care! Mind your business!"

And I just didn't need that. He found someone else to talk with (thank god!) and I continued to listen to my headphones. Had it escalated (him saying inappropriate stuff, her saying "Leave me alone!") then I would've gladly jumped in and intervened. I can never sit idly by when someone's in true danger.

*************************************

Today I got up and got dressed to pick up my boots from shoe repair and grab a spicy hot cocoa from the local café. I wore my headphones to tune out the fools on the street. The boots (albeit promised today) were not ready and the café was closed early. The "Liquoring Losers" (ones who hang out in front of liquor stores) were out in full force and yelling.

"Say that to me again, motherfucker!" one of them yelled. It was complete with chest thumps and everything.

I was so certain they were going to say something to me, but all that yelling was at each other. Much better them than me...thank god, hallelujah! So I was sans boots and hot cocoa, but made it back harassment-free. Man I love those days.

*************************************

As I said, not much street harassment's happened to me lately, and I don't think I'm that same person who'd curse someone out in a heartbeat who tried to bother me on the streets. Is it because I want to take different tacts to handling idiots on the streets, or simply because I'm tired and don't have the energy to deal with it anymore? I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that Christmas and New Year's are coming up, so please stay safe and strong during this holiday season. See you all in 2008.

DBS Shorts

2007-12-11T15:04:00.000Z

For the most part, I haven't had any major harassment issues since the blow-ups I documented in "Intraracial Tension." Not to say that it hasn't been going on...

Since I depend on public transportation, I have to deal with the freaks, wackos, and idiots that ride it. I took a bus home from Friendship Heights a couple of Fridays ago, and the most nasty, foul, vulgar and unkempt men were on it. One of them had dreads so nasty that they looked more like "Matlocks" than dreadlocks. For the most part I tuned them out with my headphones and stared out a window. I was fine until one of them started gesturing to me and saying "That's your girlfriend over there, lookin' out the window!" As soon as the bus had a mass exodus at a Metro station, I moved to the front as far away from these men.

*****************************

This past Thursday all I wanted to do was wait for my bus to take me to tae kwon do and be left alone. I got approached by a dork who thought I looked like Alicia Keys ("I look like myself," I responded in annoyance), a canvasser, and a foreign student who wanted to know if she was at the right bus stop. None of this was street harassment, but the following was. As glad as I am to not be the recipient of harassment, I can't stand watching it go on. A young woman with long hair and skinny jeans walked by; her daughter in a school uniform in tow. This bum started ogling her.

"Mm-hmm, that's what I'm talking about!" he said. "You a diamond in the rough, God's gift to man! Mm-hmm!"

The woman was long gone (I could see her inside the store behind the bus stop neglecting her daughter while shopping, but I digress) but I had to speak.

"That's nasty," I said. "Ogling that woman like she's a piece of meat. Show some class."
"You a hater," the man responded.
"And you're ghetto and low-class," I said. "Have a nice holiday."
He walked down the street mumbling crap, but I maintained my composure. Since the big blow-ups two Thursdays ago, I've been keeping my cool much better.

The bus finally came, thank god.

*****************************

This past Friday I was waiting for my bus home from Farragut Square. I hadn't eaten since lunch so I grabbed food from McDonald's and snacked on the fries as I waited. A Circulator pulled up to the stop and people get off, but the door stays open longer. I thought someone was rushing to catch it, but no one was around.

The doors close and I thought it was going to drive off, but the doors open again. The bus driver was checking me out...ugh!

"Girl, gimme some of those fries," he says, ogling me. A wave of disgust came over me, but I once again kept my cool.
"Stop harassing me," I said. "Your behavior is tacky and unprofessional."
He smirked at me grossly and finally drove off.
As soon as I got home I sent a complaint report on him via WMATA. Months ago I had an incident with bus drivers catcalling me while hanging out at the Metro station. I reported it, but got the runaround (the one guy's name which I got---first initial and last name from his name badge---was too common to track down) and the complaint ended up being dropped on their part. Since I got the number of the bus he was driving will they take it seriously this time? We'll see. I don't want this man to be fired from his job---of course not---I just want him to know that you don't go catcalling women, especially not on duty.

For a moment I worried if I ever saw him on a Circulator in the future, since I do use those. But then I thought I'll maintain my ground and composure. I'm not going to let that worry me.

*****************************

More bus weirdos. Earlier today there was this creepy drunken fool trying to talk to me and a teenaged girl on the bus. The girl, a boy of about ten and I played musical chairs to get away from him. He kept mumbling nonsense and saying "Baby girl!" Even though it was a five-minute ride to the train station, it felt longer because of that whackjob. I am glad the kids were smart enough to move away from him as well.

*****************************

Lastly, I have not had a run-in with the "Loitering Losers" in almost two weeks this Thursday. I've been thankful to be able to catch a bus home so I don't have to walk past them. In the rare moments when the bus ends up not coming, I ended up taking a detour. I always talk about how I'm not going to let harassing men change my agenda, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

All in all, I'm grateful to still be around, and not let these men steal my glory.

Too Close to Home

2007-12-04T19:47:00.000Z

Blogger Thinking Girl did a write-up back in September about a guy who would not leave her alone on the streets, to the point of where she goes into a pizza place to avoid having the guy find out where she lived, and how the situation was handled from there. The responses are interesting.

An excellent post came a month after, Holding Your Hand Is Not My Fucking Job.

Check both out.

Women Harassed By Police

2007-12-03T16:25:00.000Z

Two female employees were trying to lock up the Kennedy Rec Center for the night, and police held them at gunpoint and treated it like a joke. (Video included.)

And people wonder why I don't feel safe with our police force...

It's All About Respect

2007-12-03T15:31:00.000Z

Greg had sent me this message:

I ran into your blog from your post on [a community list serv]. First I would like to empathize with you, even though I am a male I am well aware of harassment in DC. My wife regularly walks to and from the Metro station everyday and regularly comes home upset by some disrespectful comments.

Now my point. I lived in Egypt for a while and had a number of Western female friends who were being harassed constantly by the same guys on their daily commute. They mostly ignored them but were definitely bothered by this.

One day as I was walking her home she showed me one of the harassers. We crossed the street and I engaged the guy very nicely asking him why he was harassing my friend. He couldn’t really make an answer but we chatted a bit then left. After that the guy would respectfully wave at her and she would acknowledge his presence by nodding or waving back.

If the situation is obviously very different with harassment in DC because of the twisted relations between foreigners and locals in Egypt, the underlying dynamics in my opinion still apply even though it may be harder to implement in DC: People don’t harass people they know.

By talking going to talk to the harasser she ceased to be a sexual object and became a human being. If this is of course impossible to achieve with random harasser on a commuting route it may be achievable to some extent with some repeat offenders.

Just my two cents.

In my frequent run-ins with the "Loitering Losers," I think we're far past my approaching them respectfully. Many times I've told them "that's not cool, that's not polite, call me 'Miss' or 'Ma'am'" etc., etc., and it goes in one ear and out the other. But in future situations with different groups of LL's, it's something to try.

When I've been antagonized so many times by the same group of people, it's hard to approach them respectfully. You just want to yell at them and curse them out. But like always, I'm open to different approaches. If anyone has the courage to test this tactic out, please e-mail me and let me know how it works. Thanks Greg for your submission.

Answers to Harassment FAQ

2007-12-01T20:49:00.000Z

In a discussion via e-mail about dealing with the "Loitering Losers," Kelly sent me her tactics on handling the harassment FAQ (she has given me permission to post the following):

I have set responses for FAQs. My answer to "Can I ask you a question?" is "No." My answer to "Have I seen you before?" is "I'm sure you have." Very deadpan. When I get asked on a date, I hold up my left hand, point to my wedding ring, and say "sorry, 18 years." Or I say "no," and it might take four or five of those no's to stop. When I get complimented in a disrespectful way on my waist-length hair, I say "Thank you" as if it were a sincere compliment.

I'll admit that it seems hard to "respond in kind" to the LL's, but it is a tactic I'm willing to try in the future. Anything's better than yelling and cursing and getting riled up. Thank you for the idea!

First Meeting Today---a success!

2007-12-01T18:40:00.000Z

Our first DBS meeting was held today, and I am grateful for the outcome. Three members came, and we met together and discussed issues and ways to get the ball rolling in taking action offline and in the flesh when it comes to street harassment. This information will be available to the Yahoo! Group members within the next few days. (We love for more people to get involved, so please join!)

The meeting made me feel much better. With the brutality of the harassment I faced Thursday (in the previous post, "Intraracial Tension," something I struggled long and hard about whether or not to post it) and other personal stress I'd been dealing with, I'd been feeling sad and hurt and lost my joie de vivre for a moment. But when positive things happen and you realize that there are others that feel angry about the way things are going on in DC, hope returns.

Once again, I'm proud of the ideas thrown out there from this first group meeting, and am looking forward to seeing more faces get involved in the future.

Intraracial Tension

2007-12-01T18:30:00.000Z

I was originally going to publish this Thursday (the day of the incidents), but I typed it, deleted it, typed it, deleted it---but now I have the courage to put it out there.

Forgive me for going beyond the scope of street harassment today. I have typed and deleted the following quite a few times. I have wanted to be politically correct about it, but for once, I cannot. Everyone expects me to always do the right thing and to be infallible. They ask me questions about harassment and I tell them that I'm no expert and am in the same boat as they are. I am not perfect, I don't always make the right decisions. I may lose readers and supporters, but I must get my feelings off my chest. So here goes:

As a Black female, I am angry, hurt, disgusted, and frustrated with the way I've been treated by Black men in the District. As many decent Black men as there are, they get overshadowed by the ones who act like harassing assholes. The vitriol is simply disgusting. I deal with nonsense from harassers of all races, but I feel Black men aim for the jugular with me because we're the same race. I feel as if I'm hated by the men of my own race, simply for demanding them to treat me with respect.

I had a long, rough day at work today. I left feeling worn out and burned out, and was going to get some takeout from this Chinese restaurant in Dupont I've been going to lately to uplift my mood. I'm a fast walker, and when I catch up to people on the street I need to get around them so I can keep on going. I was attempting to get around a group of five guys, but this one guy would not stop walking on a diagonal and into my path.

"Hey!" I said. "Behind you!"
The guy turns around and try as I might to get around him we collide.
"Why didn't you walk to the side to get around?" he said, copping attitude with me.
"I was trying to!" I snapped back. Hard to do so when you're taking up a chunk of the path by walking on a diagonal.
"Why you gettin' like that?" he said.

I wanted to get away from these men, but they started clowning on me and thought the whole ordeal was funny.
"She mad 'cuz she alone! She wouldn't be so mad if she had a man!" the one yelled. Laughter ensued. "If I had a beard I'd shave it off and give it to you so you can have some real hair!" (???)
"You're a bunch of no-class, no manner-having, tacky, ghetto, ignorant Negroes!" I yelled. It'd been said and can't be undone.

In turn I was called a "self-hater."

"Why you got dreads?" the one who collided with me said.
"I know where I came from and don't need to act like a tacky Negro," I said.
"You may hate Black people but we love you!" they started saying in a taunting, sing-songy tone.
"I can't stand you...leave me alone!"
"You're sexy, we still love you, you're sexy..."

The one who collided into me kept yelling things at me. They kept walking towards me. I wanted to hit him so badly, but I had to restrain myself. My safety is jeopardized already, I cannot make it worse, and I'm not trying to go to jail for these sorry people.
"Why you keep comin' up on me?" he said.
"Keep on walking!" I yelled. "Go away! If you don't go away I'll call the police."

The one guy in the group who looked like a bum kept trying to approach me. I kept backing up.

"Sorry, my friend ain't mean nothin' by it," he said. I didn't believe him because they were all still laughing and giving me shit.
"Go away or I will call the police," I said.

These men kept walking, but they stayed in the vicinity. The one I collided with had the nerve to get indignant after all that was said and done. Because they weren't going anywhere, I turned back and took a different path to get to the restaurant, looking over my shoulder to make sure they weren't following me.

I got my food and was on a train home. I didn't want to have anymore run-ins. I normally take my headphones off after getting off the train in the evening, but I was tense and music was the only thing to calm me. I did keep the volume low enough so I could hear the street noise and was on guard.

I thought it was going to be a safe walk home, until I got close to where the "Loitering Losers" usually hang out. There were about 10 men hanging out in front of a liquor store across the street, and three on my side. Shit, I'm outnumbered.

A man coming near me tried to go "Hey, girl, whaddup?" and I tried to use the fact that I was wearing headphones to ignore him.
"Why you ain't talkin? Oh, you listenin' to headphones!"

And on the other side of the street: "AY, SHORTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The Thompson Twins song I was listening to couldn't tune out the sounds of ten screaming drunk-ass men.

"SHORTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"
"Shut the hell up and leave me alone! Do something with your sorry asses!"

"SHORTAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" turned into "Fuck yourself, ugly bitch. You ain't shit anyway."

I snapped. "You sorry-ass, no-good, ain't doin' shit with yourselves drunk-ass losers! You are the sorriest people! Nothin' going on with your lives except standing on a street corner getting drunk and yelling like idiots! You're tacky, uneducated, not going to be anything except passed out dead on the street because you're getting drunk!"

They thought this was funny. Steam was rising through my ears. And in all this I noticed a little kid out there with them and a female. Those punks were teaching him how to disrespect women, and this chick standing there with them apparently has no respect for herself either. I'm sure if clowns were heckling her she'd get loud like I did too. But seeing that little boy---dear. I hate cursing around kids. I should've been upright so he'd have some positive example to see, but the damage had been done.

The men on my side of the street were just as bad. Laughing at the whole ordeal then having the nerve to try to talk to me. I didn't want to be bothered.

"Don't talk to me either!" I said. "I am tired of you sorry-ass people!"
"Girl, we ain't mean nothin' by it," one of them, with gold teeth in his mouth, said. "We always tryin' to talk to you when you walk by---"
"I don't want to talk to you! I don't want to get to know you! I am not trying to talk to you when I walk by...I'm trying to get home!"

The light finally changed and I walked swiftly to cross the street. These men were still trying to talk to me.

"Talk to someone who cares because I'm not trying to listen anymore!" I said.
"Have a nice day, sistah!"
"Go to the library and take out some books and educate yourselves," I yelled. "Leave women alone."

I barely made it home in one piece. My legs were like Jello and I nearly collapsed when I got inside. I felt lightheaded and nauseous. I lost my appetite for the Chinese food I'd been craving all day.

Self-hater. As I said earlier, I've had run-ins with stupid men of all races, but when it happens with Black men they attack where it hurts the most. I'm tired of being accused of being a self-hating racist because I don't tolerate stupid behavior. I'm tired of being questioned as to why I have dreads (dammit, it's hair! Why does it have to be about Black pride?), I'm tired of being made fun of for how I speak, I'm tired of this intraracial bullshit. People who know me know I'm proud to be Black and the first one to defend my race. But today I'm worn out, beaten and defeated. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

Too many of these misguided men think acting like a "triflin' Negro" is what it means to be a Black man. Acting like a common, harassing thug is not being a stand-up Black man. A real Black man doesn't degrade Black women, won't intimidate them, won't refer to them as "shorty" and "bitch." There is a lot of racial tension and intraracial tension in DC and I'm feeling the brunt of it.

There is no happy cookie-cutter answer to this. Do I wish I acted differently today? Of course, but all I can do is learn from it and move on. I wish I had a thicker skin so I could ignore the taunts instead of stooping to these punks' levels, but the hurtful comments I continue to receive from these scrubs on the streets eat through me like a caustic acid.

I know I have to put my safety first. I can't walk home anymore because it's getting too dangerous. I'm going to have to wait lord knows how long for a bus at the train station (though walking is quicker than waiting). Your "fearless" leader is now fearful. I've taken too much abuse and I can't take anymore. I'm tired of worrying about the "Loitering Losers" and now the "Liquoring Losers."

I'm going to rest now, and hopefully it's a new day not only literally, but figuratively. It's gotta get better...one day.

Harassing-Ass Men---Leave Me Alone!

2007-11-27T20:07:00.000Z

This was just one of those days when the men on the street (and in vehicles) would not leave me alone.

On my walk to the train station to get to work, two men honked at me, and one yelled "yo, schweeheart!" out of his car.

I got a (much needed) reprieve from harassment at work.

Leaving work and heading to the drugstore I had so many other things running through my mind, harassment not one of them. I passed one man who was unloading some truck.
"Go-jiss!" he yelled at me. (If you're going to "holla" at me, at least pronounce it right.)

I walked past a guy who was hanging with what looked like his girlfriend, and he looked me up and down. I gave him the most scathing look ever.

I then walked past a group of moving men (and one woman) who were slacking on the job. "Howya doin', baby?" he asked.
"Do not call me 'baby,'" I said, seething.

I make it to the drugstore, and this guy was too close behind me in line, so I moved up a tidge. He then proceeds to move up on me again. I turned around and gave him a nasty look and he quit.

Leaving the drugstore, I walked past a middle-aged and well-dressed man on his cell.
"Hello, beautiful," he said.
"You're too old to be hitting on me like that and I don't know you," I said. "Leave me alone."
This man had a look of shock on his face.

Further along my journey, I walked past a man who said "Well, hey-lo!" to me in that creepy tone. I looked behind me and he started to follow me. I gave him a nasty look and he stopped.

I got on the train, and got another reprieve from the attentions of creepy guys. Having my headphones on at that moment helped me.

I proceeded on my walk home, and the "Loitering Losers" were once again absent---good. However, I wasn't harassment-free yet.

Right around the corner from my apartment, right before I was going to turn, this van pulls up to me. It is pitch-black, the driver's face is semi-obscured (except this annoying-ass grin) and I didn't even wait to find out what he wanted.

"I do not know you---keep driving!" I yelled. He continued to sit there. I refused to proceed until he left. I didn't want to give him a hint as to where I lived.
"KEEP DRIVING!" I yelled.
The guy finally pulls off and I notice he has Maryland license plates (unfortunately I didn't get the plate number). I make sure he's good and gone until I turn towards home. I make sure to look over my shoulder to make sure he or no one else try to pull up on me. Can someone tell me where it's considered normal for a strange man in a van to pull up aside a woman walking alone in pitch-black evening (7:30, but still dark)? I'm grateful I have some sense of street smarts, for this man could've kidnapped me.

So that, my readers, is a day in the life of a harassment recipient. Whether it's "benign" like a "hey, go-jiss" or creepy like a random man pulling up in a van, it's a pain in the ass to go through on a regular basis.

More on the intersection of race, class, gender and harassment

2007-11-27T17:18:00.000Z

Another write-up on the race/class/gender intersection of harassment at Feministe.com. The writer is a gay minority, and questions where the power really lies.

Woman Assaulted on Green Line

2007-11-27T15:45:00.000Z

I just heard about this story on WJLA. The woman was trying to travel from Waterfront to L'Enfant Plaza, and this fool sits next to her and starts squishing against her. When she tried to move, he got violent and started attacking her. I commend the teenage girl who acted on behalf of the woman and helped her out. However, I'm greatly disappointed with the indifferent attitude the woman received from Metro authorities, and that once again no one stepped in to help. Metro doesn't seem to care when it comes to this stuff going on.

I cannot count the number of times I've reported incidents (being catcalled at by Metro employees, flagging Metro police down about rowdy kids trying to attack me) just to be dismissed. Not only does Metro NOT CARE about getting a better-running transit service, but they don't give a damn about passenger safety either.

This sounds extremely like the story I posted the other day, "Silent Witnesses." How the hell can you sit there when someone's calling for help and being attacked right in front of your face? This is the video of the Green Line assault story, and this girl had every reason to be terrified. With WJLA on the case, Metro won't get away with this that easily.

With all the stories of women being attacked and crying out for help and not receiving said help, I hope people start to see the light and make changes for the better. If you were in that predicament, you'd want help too.

Editor's note: DCist.com is following this as well.

"Loitering Losers"...in Technicolor!

2007-11-26T21:04:00.000Z

Thanks to Peggy Sue for sending me a clearer copy of the shot I recently took of the "Loitering Losers."

I took that same route home as I normally do, and they were nowhere to be found today, thank god. I refuse to change my route and let those uncouth men cow me.

Silent Witnesses

2007-11-23T23:32:00.000Z

The following is from an anonymous contributor in Missouri:

I had never heard of the term "Street harassment" but that is exactly what I would call what I have been experiencing here in St. Louis, MO.

I have had a lot of horrible things happen when I am not in a car or cab.

I was on the bus and this man sitting toward the front kept staring at me. It was very annoying not to mention uncomfortable. When he rung the bell for his stop, he walked up to me and tried to whisper something in my ear, I took my purse and slapped him with it. Then he punched me in my face. I am a 5'5'' female, this man was a 6 foot around 200-something pound male. The bus driver was actually going to let this man off the bus. I told the driver when I call the police that I would report him if he let this man get away. The bus driver let the man off of the bus and I saw him take off running.

When the police got there no body on the bus would say anything. It wasn't because they were afraid, afraid of what, the man was long gone by now and nowhere to be found. I still cannot believe that was allowed to happen, that no one including the bus driver would speak up about what happened. This has caused me to hate the way society is. If I had a chance to repeat the same situation over again, the only thing that I would have changed is I would have used mace to blind him first, tried to break his nose, and then I would have gotten off the bus not the other way around.

I am truly, truly sorry for what happened. That man shouldn't have touched you let alone come near you. In the same token, I applaud you for keeping brave and attempting to report this fool.

The reason why this ignorant behavior is allowed to perpetuate is because people keep silent. No one realizes that the voices of the many outweigh the solitary voice of one. A busload of witnesses yet no one spoke up? Genovese syndrome indeed. If more had taken initiative---the bus driver, the passengers, and so forth---that thug would be sitting in jail right now for assault. All we can hope for is that a good description was given and that someone recognizes him and turns him in. We need less of these people walking free and more of them in jail.

Anonymous, I once again commend you for having the courage to face that asshole. I pray that you can find ways of staying safe in Missouri.

A lot of people comment on why we don't want attention from these men. "You're too hard, you don't give them a chance," you'll say. We don't want attention from these men because they aren't "real men." Real men don't go from calling a woman "beautiful queen" to "ugly bitch" in 0 to 60. Real men don't go around putting their hands on women a fraction of their size. Real men don't make threats of violence. Real men work towards making women feel safe, not scared. Real men need to stand up and do right in the community.

Happy Thanksgiving To You Too, "Loitering Losers"

2007-11-21T18:44:00.000Z

Note: I have no problem accepting stories without photos. Your safety is much more important than getting a photo. Don't do what I did in this story. I normally don't put my safety on the line like this, but I've dealt with these men on numerous occasions and am fed up.

I left the house today to grab more ingredients for the pies I was baking for tomorrow. On my way to the store I walked past my "friends," the "Loitering Losers," who have been featured on numerous occasions on DBS. Through my peripheral vision I spotted about four or five of them. They were big, bad, and nothing but trouble. I tried to stare straight ahead and act like they weren't there, but their annoying voices pierced through that brick wall I'd put up:

"Hey, pretty girl. Where's your smile?"
"You on Hell Date?"
"You said she on Hell Date! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Happy Thanksgiving to you, pretty sistah."

No Happy Thanksgiving wishes could take away the humiliation I feel any time I face these men. They are always hanging out at that park/bus stop, hitting on me, calling out to me and annoying the hell out of me.

The creepiest part that happened was that one of them got up and started following me. I was the fast walking "damsel in distress" (I hate that term) and he was the slow walking zombie. I got into the store as fast as I could.

On the way back, I didn't walk past them but took that street that intersects near the park. They were still trying to call to me.

"Girl, when you gonna be on Hell Date?" (I've seen Hell Date a few times but don't know what the hell [no pun intended] they were getting at with that comment. 'Nothing comes from talkers but sound' as Tevin Campbell's "Round and Round" goes.)

They were calling to me, cajoling me, and making me irate. I head home, put my groceries up, threw on my sneakers and grabbed my Nikon and head back out the door.

I walked back towards that park/bus stop. Two had already fled and a third one was dashing away when I pulled out my camera. I stood across the street first, but I was too far away to get a good zoom on them. I had no choice but to get closer. I was terrified but determined to get this shot.

These idiots burst into laughter like what I was doing was the funniest thing at first, but when the camera's flash went off they knew I meant business.

"You need to go after the dude who just left!" one yelled. "He was the one startin' stuff...not us!"
"Bitch, I'mma snatch that camera out yo hands!" the other yelled.

I got my shot, and that's all that mattered. I doubt they were going to lay their hands on me. I did remember seeing a police car not too far from there, and not even these idiots are dumb enough to beat a woman up in front of the police. Also, though it was dark it was only 6 in the evening and people were still out and about.

But as I said, I got the shot. "Thank you!" I said in the most cheesy and saccharine tone.
"Girl, you don't go around takin' photos of people," Thug 1 said. "Dat's not cool."
Neither is bugging women who walk by you.

I walked away casually. I refused to let them see fear. I heard what sounded like running and turned around. "I'mma chase after you!" Thug 2 said, but all he did was jog in place.

"Whatever," I said, dismissing them with a flip of the hand. As I walked back home feeling good to get a closer (albeit dark) shot of the "Loitering Losers," they were complaining out loud and acting like petulant kids. If they'd stop humiliating women that walked by, it wouldn't have had to come down to that.

I walked past a father and son on my way home, and the father told his son in babytalk to "Say hi to the nice lady!" I smiled and waved back. It's good to know that some men are taking responsibility and raising their sons to be upright men, and that I once again took a step towards putting the light on DC's street harassment problem.

I hope we get stuff accomplished in next week's meeting. Have a safe, happy and hopefully harassment-free Thanksgiving, all of you.

Edit 11/22/07: I just noticed that Thug 1 is flipping the bird in the photo (it is a dark photo, but it's easier to see when it's enlarged---click the photo to enlarge it). Real class act, that one.

First DBS Meeting Postponed---12/1/07

2007-11-19T20:57:00.000Z

Because of the holiday this week, the group decided it would make more sense to move the meeting to the following week, December 1st. Please sign up to join the group (links in the sidebar and at the bottom of the page) to keep updated.

Non-entities

2007-11-17T16:53:00.000Z

For the past week and some change I've been trying to act treat the men on the streets like the non-entities they are to me. I'm sick of having screaming matches with these losers and stooping to their level. I started this new tactic the last day I was in NYC.

After heading back to my hotel from leaving the Papaya Dog on 42nd & 9th (it's okay, but not the genuine NYC hot dog taste I was looking for) and walking up 8th Ave. to get back, I walked past what looked like a sleazy lingerie shop. I rolled my eyes and some man who was standing in the doorway of it said "You're too sexy for that stuff!" It took all in my power to act like he didn't exist.

Back in DC, it's been a chore as well. I've found some dead days where the harassment didn't happen which is a sigh of relief to me, but when it did...man. Most of these instances were benign, but it's aggravating to not be able to leave the house and go from point A to point B undisturbed. Men, talking to a woman on the street is not a right you have -- it's a privilege, if that.

I was walking to the train station to head to work on Wednesday, and the man in the passenger side of a garbage truck stuck his head out and waved at me (why do these clowns always try to "holla" from the passenger side of the car?!). As usual, he was old enough to be my father. I ended up reacting.

"No...No...NO!!!!!" I yelled. Maybe if they did their jobs instead of trying to flirt with women half their age, then there wouldn't be a rat infestation from the piling-up garbage!

I went back to ignore mode on Thursday. I was waiting at Farragut North Station to go home and this man comes up behind me and says "Hey, pretty girl" to my back. I know it was addressed to me since there were no other females in that vicinity. It was easy to ignore him because I never respond to those who don't have the courtesy to address me face to face. I walked to another section of the platform, and noticed that once again this was a man old enough to be my father. It leaves a sick feeling in my stomach that these old men think it's appropriate to talk to younger women. Who's encouraging them to do so? I guess I look forward to getting older because these men will finally leave me alone, but they'll find a new crop of 20-somethings to mess with. Gross.

Coming home from tae kwon do yesterday, I descended one escalator and spot this guy. He was bugged-eyed, buck-toothed and I knew he was going to try to talk to me. We learn about "telegraphing moves" in tae kwon do sparring class, and that's exactly what this guy was doing. Instead of going up the other escalator, he stays at the bottom of it and watches me come down it. I felt like I was under a microscope...it was uncomfortable.

When I reach the bottom of the escalator, he says "You are so purty." I am tired of getting unsolicited compliments from these pitiful men. I'd really just rather be left alone. And the staring at me like I was an object really unnerved me. No wonder good guys are afraid to approach women...creeps like this ruin it for them.

The last straw was walking home from the train station. A dark car pulls up to me and the driver says "Girl, d'you need help? Need a ride?" It took all in my power to act like he wasn't there...that creeped the mess out of me. It was 8 in the evening -- not late, but rather dark.

The guy finally got the hint that I didn't want to be bothered with him and drove off. But I kept looking behind my shoulder to make sure he didn't try to follow me home.

So today's been harassment-free, but that's because I didn't leave the house. I don't plan on leaving the house at all this weekend. It has nothing to do with being afraid to leave the house, but because after a long, busy week at work, tae kwon do and other things I just need rest. But when I leave back out again this week, I really for once just want these men to leave me alone.

Back from NYC

2007-11-09T21:42:00.000Z

I just got back from my trip to the Big Apple and just like my last trip there, the men just have no shame when it comes to harassing women. Some of my instances were benign, but others made me cringe.

The main thing that bothers me is that these men feel they have the right to talk to me or any other woman the way they do -- or period. Right when I was trying to exit Penn Station, some guy starts walking along with me and talking as if we were "down" or something. It made me uncomfortable that some guy I don't know just came out of the blue and was trying to walk with me. No "hi" or anything like that. It was an invasion of personal space. I moved away from him and he got the hint.

These men also feel the need to let me know how attractive they find me. I hate, hate, HATE these half-assed and empty compliments. They're cheap. I'd rather get a compliment from someone I've known for a while that comes from a place of the heart, and not from a random stranger.

I had a harasser who was acting inappropriately while on the clock. On Wednesday I went to FIT to check out their gown exhibits, and while most of the security guards were professional and stonefaced, this one kid in the basement exhibit acted like an idiot. He kept making goofy noises, and as I left the exhibit he says, "Girl, you workin' it with that red and black [in regards to my outfit], aren't you?" I looked at him with a look that read "Boy, you aren't even worth a verbal response" and kept going.

The worst was the clown above. I grabbed something to eat after seeing a show last night and was walking down Broadway to head back to my hotel. He was getting too close to women while trying to hand out copies of "The Onion." The number of men on the streets trying to sell stuff or hand out flyers while getting too close was an annoyance. I told him to back the hell up off me, and he gets closer.

"I wanna be close to you, baby," he says, with a lecherous smirk.

Ugh! This man was some homeless bum in need of a shower and he looked old enough to be my grandfather. I had my camera on me then, so I pulled it out and took a shot. He covered up his face, unfortunately.

"So you're brave enough to harass women but a big old coward when it comes to getting your picture taken?" I said. "Pathetic."

As soon as my camera went down he got bold again and started blowing kisses at me.

"Nasty-ass coward," I said. "You need to take a shower." If you want a description of his face, just imagine a crusty, dried-up raisin and there you go.

I met up with an old schoolmate while I was in the city, and she commented on reading DBS. She told me that women who walk with a purpose tend to get bothered less.

"But I look straight ahead, usually wear my sunglasses in daytime, and am always walking with a purpose," I said. "So why are these raggedy men always targeting me?"

I don't think I'll ever find the true answer as to what makes me a target for these men. The caliber of men who do this bothers me as well. I came from a Broadway concert (yes, a concert on Broadway and not a play) yesterday and was wearing a tailored peacoat, matching scarf and gloves, and black palazzos with black leather heels. I was looking chic and the men who were trying to talk to me looked like bums -- baggy pants, dingy sweatshirts, hair that needed grooming -- why do they think I'd even want to talk to them? One of the DBS readers (I cannot recall who at the moment) had said something similar -- classy women don't want to be bothered with bums and losers! Pretty much.

I'm missing the fun and color of NYC, but am glad to be back in DC. I'd be even more glad if harassment stopped in DC, but until then, let's keep fighting to get it to end.

*And I'd like to extend a thanks to those who have joined the DBS group so far, and am looking forward to seeing many more sign up.*

Away for a few days

2007-11-06T21:52:00.000Z

I will be going out of town for a few days and will moderate whatever comments/submissions I receive as soon as I get back later this week.

I hope your time is harassment-free, and I hope for a harassment-free trip as well.

Stay safe, all.

Your behavior and your played-out clothes are out of style

2007-11-03T08:00:00.000Z

I had harassment encounters with the EXACT SAME MAN (pictured above) two days in a row.

Around 6pm as I was heading home Thursday, this man was standing at the bus stop near Barnes & Noble on M Street. He was wearing the most played-out maroon track suit and yapping on the phone with someone. He stops his conversation to look me up and down.

"Mmm...sexy. Mmm...beautiful," he mumbles under his breath, but loud enough for me to hear.

"Ugh...you're too old and gross," I said.

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking on the phone," he claimed.

Yeah, right.

Yesterday, I left around the same time and whaddya know? The same guy -- now wearing a powder blue track suit -- is walking towards me on Wisconsin. The only things on my mind were the errands I needed to run in the short time before my martial arts class and the dinner I was going to after class with my classmates. But this fool had to invade my personal space again.

He's on the phone again, and he walks up close to me and mumbles "I need to go to the bank" in this sexual tone. I could feel his stank breath on me. And he starts looking me up and down again.

"You're too close, dude," I said. "Back off."

I go to my bank (not the same one he went to) and do what I need to do, and when I leave I see this clown again! He does the same mess he did on Thursday -- the "mmm...sexy" shit.

"I am tired of this!" I yelled. "You are disgusting, creepy, and you make my stomach turn!" People started staring at him when I yelled, but it didn't faze him one bit.

"If you don't leave me alone I'll--"
"You'll do what?" he said, nonchalantly.
"I swear I'll kick your ass." This man has degraded me, made me uncomfortable, and he is vile. I'd long since had enough.

He stands there on his phone, and I'm in a frazzled mess. I pulled out my cell phone and took the above shot of him, but he turned his head.

"You're going on 'Don't Be Silent,'" I said, "because you don't know how to leave women alone."

(Readers, if you see this tacky-looking loser hanging about the streets of Georgetown, watch your backs. I'm determined to put an end to his tasteless ways.)

I was harriedly trying to put my phone back in my bag and zip it up, but I just wanted to get far away from that creep and ended up walking and struggling to close my bag. All these men kept trying to talk to me -- "Shawty" this, "Hey baby" that -- I just wanted to scream. The only thing I wanted was to run my errands, attend my class, and have a fun dinner with friends afterwards. I didn't need all these punk-ass men bothering me!

The above man was one of the men who tried to "Hey baby" me as he was coming out of some establishment (near Five Guys, I believe). He got snapped.

"Why did you take my picture?" he said.
"Because you don't know how to leave women alone!" I feel like a broken record.

I rode the bus and was irate. I normally fall asleep from exhaustion on bus rides but I was just miserable from my experiences with those men -- mostly "Tacky Track Suit Man." The way he got close to me and made me uncomfortable made me feel sick to my stomach.

I go to my martial arts class, and am grateful that I did go. I got a chance to let my anger out through punching, kicking and yelling. And had I not gone to that dinner after class with my friends, I would've been in a sour mood all evening. No, it's not cool that harassment happens, but for once I got an opportunity to have fun and not worry about idiots. Sometimes laughter (with friends) is the best medicine.

Reactions to Street Harassment

2007-11-01T13:26:00.000Z

Cristina at Eckington DC Living did a write-up on how she handles street harassment. She also left a response on a previous post which sums up as to don't let it affect you and don't give the harassers power. As much as I agree that we shouldn't let the actions of boorish men affect us, it is really hard not to.

When you've got boorish, tacky, uneducated, tactless, ghetto, disgusting men standing on street corners or making comments from their cars, such as (all these have been said to me):

"Shorty, can I talk to you?" (Shorty is obviously not my name.)
"Boo-Boo, whaddup?" (You're a grown man, learn to use your words.)
"Fuck you, bitch, you ugly anyway." (Sorry I didn't give you the response you wanted.)
"Bitch, you betta watch it or I'mma smack da shit out you."
"I'mma say whatever I want to you! Fuck dat 'miss or ma'am' shit."
"Yo, Redbone! Yo, Snowflake!" (I may be a light-skinned Black woman, but damned if I'll let men talk to me that way because of such.)
"You a dyke, you don't like men." (Because I don't want to take a ride from a man I don't know who's old enough to be my father? Come on, now.)

...simply for leaving the house, then no, it is not easy to ignore or to not let get to me. Because I leave my house, because I am a single female, this is the treatment I get from these raggedy assholes. I've learned to, for lack of a better term, to expect it. People tell me that I should be "flattered" to get male attention. I'll be flattered when I get respectful attention from respectful men. Being called "sexy" by men old enough to be my grandfather leaves a sick feeling in my stomach.

This guy may not have been that old (he may have been a few years older than me) but his comment to me made me want to vomit:

"Girl, you look 17---and you look good."

Obviously, I'm not 17. But the fact that he thought I looked it and found me attractive frightened me. What if he pulled this mess on a real 17-year-old? I should become a decoy for Perverted Justice and have Chris Hansen from Dateline step in.

I feel myself going off on a tangent, but long story short as long as harassers run the streets, there will be recipients of harassment. And as long as there are recipients of harassment, they will respond in whatever way they feel is right. If screaming and cursing helps, good. If crying at home helps, cry away. If hitting a punching bag helps to release the aggression, go to it. People are going to react to harassment whatever way they can, and no one can change that.

Oh, Yeah. Last Night...

2007-10-31T11:58:00.000Z

On my way home from work last night, this fool was yelling at me from across the way.

"Scush me, miss...scush me, miss..."

What was so important that he had to yell at me from across the street? It may have been only 7, but it was dark out and this made me uncomfortable.

"I-DO-NOT-WANT-TO-SPEAK-TO-YOU...LEAVE-ME-ALONE!" I yelled, distinctly and clearly.

He stopped, though I looked behind my shoulder a few times to make sure he didn't try to follow me.

Here's a map so you'll get a perspective of where he was to me when he was yelling like a fool to get my attention:

First DBS Meeting---Saturday, 11/24 Meeting Postponed to 12/1/07

2007-10-30T20:37:00.000Z

Edited: This meeting is postponed to 12/1/07.

I would love to schedule our first meeting for Saturday, November 24th around mid-to-late afternoon (2:30 or 3:00, for instance). Please sign up for the Yahoo! group (links to do so are in the sidebar and the bottom of the page) if you want to get involved and want more information.

Edited 11/1/07: I see a lot of people coming by to take a look at this message, yet only one person signed up for the group (she was an invite). I know we're not the only ones who want to see an end to street harassment. I once again urge those who want to get involved to sign up for the group.

Times When I Wish I'd Said Something

2007-10-30T20:13:00.000Z

Bold as I can be, there are times when I wish I would've spoken up. I'm not always slick with a comeback or a way to shut fools up or let them know when their behavior is inappropriate. Here's one of my experiences when I "sat there and took it." It's not "street harassment," per se, but inappropriate behavior nonetheless.

I sometimes act, and last year around this time I was trying to find photographers that did affordable headshots. Places around here are either too expensive or unreliable (one guy I found cancelled on me twice---not worth my time or money). My sister suggested this guy who took shots of her, and I used him. Big mistake.

I get to his house/studio, and I knew it was off to a rough start. "I forgot you were coming!" he said. Not cool.

I sit and wait for him to set up, and he goes on and on about some video vixen that he took shots of recently, talking about how "built" she was. He tries to show me photos of her but I am disinterested.

Five minutes in, this guy is asking me out on a date. Mind you he's about 15-16 years older than me. He hadn't even started taking photos yet! At this moment I should've upped and left but I needed headshots badly.

"Sir," I said (emphasis on "sir"). "You're my photographer. I don't feel comfortable with that." That was timid and weak of me. If I could go back in time I'd pull myself out of that situation.

Instead of realizing how inappropriate he was, he starts to complain. "All y'all sistahs complain about wantin' a 'good brotha,' but all y'all really want are the thugs," he whines. Huh?! This man doesn't know a damn thing about me, doesn't know my name (he either called me by the wrong name or totally blanked on it throughout the day), but asked me out on a date and makes these invalid assumptions about me---BULLSHIT!

Other things he asked that were inappropriate were if I had a boyfriend and had kids. My response was "Why do Black men always think that Black women have kids? Why even ask that?" His lame response was that since my sister does (I have two sisters, and he mixed them up as well) he thought I did. Oh, the shame.

So finally he starts taking my photos but the phone rings and he starts to talk inappropriately to someone about the video vixens and Paris Hilton-types at a party he took photos of the previous night. N-word this, bitch that. I walked away---not out the door, but away. Two strikes for me. He got the hint ("I have a client here so I'll talk to you later") and continued taking my photos.

In the room I changed in there were clown wigs, Rasta dread wigs, and video vixen photos. Ugh.

The ordeal was close to over but he made me take more photos (my heart wasn't in it anymore---it never was), and some woman closer to his age came to work on his website. I sat and waited for him to airbrush my shots, but two was enough for me.

"That's it, I only want those two," I said.
"Just two? I can do them all," he replied.
"Two's fine," I said.

He prints out two off-color shots (I was wearing a green shirt in one, but it printed out teal), I take them and the master CD and prepare to leave.

"Next time, we'll do black and white shots," he says.
"Yeah," I said.
"And let my make-up artist work on you next time," he says. "She can hook your make-up and hair up!"
"Yeah," I said.

I left out of there so fast. There was going to be no "next time." Being asked out on a date and assumed of liking "thugs" and having kids was rude, unprofessional and inappropriate. So was his going on and on about video vixens and their behaviors and bodies. It hurt to, as usual, not get support from family. When I was needing more shots months later, my mother said I should consider going to him again. I had to keep my cool there.

So there's a lesson I've learned. Being respected is more important than a damn headshot. That behavior was not worth my time or money. I will never let some horndog creep ever intimidate me again---and I haven't since.

I still don't have new headshots, but fine by me. At least I got my voice back.

War Zone

2007-10-27T23:50:00.000Z

In 1998, Maggie Hadleigh-West took a video camera to aim at her harassers and created the film War Zone. I am glad to have these pitful losers know what it feels like to have the spotlight on them for once.

In the same token, it is nearly impossible to catch these men completely in the act with a visible camera (a few men did get caught making kissing noises, whistling, and one was even jacking off). Some are going to show off for the cameras (with the lame idea that they're getting fifteen minutes of fame) or will try to save face. The only way to truly catch them in the act is with a hidden camera, but that's not gonna happen because the harassers would call that a violation of their rights.

Anyway, watch a bunch of harassers get embarrassed.

Edited to add:

Here's another clip from War Zone, with different men involved (the second guy tries to explain why he harasses, but digs himself into a bigger hole), and Hadleigh-West's boyfriend is shown at the end, who gives her hope that there are good men out there who care about women's safety and rights.

New DBS Yahoo! Group Started

2007-10-27T17:06:00.000Z

I just created a new group on Yahoo! It'll make it easier to communicate with one another and get the ball rolling. There are links to join the group in the sidebar and on the bottom of the page.

Thanks to all who join the group.

Just Another Day...of Street Harassment

2007-10-27T16:37:00.000Z

I can't leave my house to run a few errands without being harassed by annoying men!

Barely a block away from my house, a Rasta-looking fool said "Hey babe!" from the passenger side of a parked van.

"'Hey babe'?" I said in disgust. "How about 'Hey miss' or 'ma'am'?"

All that fool did was give me a shit-eating grin.

Walking past Get'n'Gear Motors on the corner of 12th NE and Otis NE (which ironically is where the middle-aged men tried to "holla" at me in this previous story), I hear "there's your buddy!" and laughter.

I tried to ignore it, but they repeated it. It's hard to fight human instinct, and I turned my head towards it. There was a man with yet that same shit-eating grin, another guy who was wearing a dingy undershirt with a large tear in it, another man, and worst of all, an older woman who was maybe in her 60s, with her wig looking polished and looking like she should've been in church. They all broke into laughter.

"Your buddy's lookin' at you!" the guy continued to yell. More laughter.

"Fool, please!" I yelled. I am tired of this mess! "If you want to get my attention you say 'Excuse me miss' or 'ma'am'! I am not 'your buddy'! I don't know you!" I tried to walk away, but they wanted to continue with the joke.

"Excuse me miss or ma'am," the ringleader said. More laughter.

Hell no. I marched back up there. "Do you see me smiling?" I said. "I don't find this funny!"

The laughter stopped. The smirks faded.

"You have no respect for women," I said.
"I'm sorry, ma'am," he said. "Let me start over, my name is---"
"I don't want to get to know you!" I said. "You missed your chance. Let this be a learning experience for you. The next time a woman walks by, don't make fun of her. Just say 'Excuse me miss.' Let this be a lesson for you."

Finally I walked off, and not one of them tried to sass me back or break into laughter. I highly doubt any of this would ruin Get'n'Gear Motors' business (it's one of those neighborhood rinky-dink auto shops), but at least they had their lesson for the day of how not to treat people.

It is not about me "not having a sense of humor." I do. I just know when and where to use it. Had I known these people already and they said that, I would've laughed and said, "How are you, Mr. ___________?" and gone from there. But these people got too personal too quickly without getting to know me. Not cool at all.

And on my way back, the "loitering losers" were once again trying to call to me. Ignoring them wouldn't work, because even though I was halfway down the street, they kept calling to me.

"If I wanted to respond to you, I would've done so the first or second time!" I yelled. "Quit calling to me!"

They shut up.

So I'm back home and a frazzled mess. I'm tired of being harassed while WWF---walking while female. None of my family or acquaintances understand the magnitude of this. Many think I ask to be harassed.

My mother will relay the same story to me about how she was harassed when she was younger, and how now she'll smile if a man asks her to or respond even if they say "hey, baby" just to avoid inciting them. I tried to explain to her that it's not right but she refuses to see eye to eye. It's a generational difference, I guess.

When relaying my stories, some people ask "what are you wearing?" or "how do you carry yourself?" as if any of that matters. I'm sick of that "blame the victim" idealism.

What I would love to achieve is to be able to run errands, take a walk, check my mail, hang out with friends, go out dancing, etc., without being harassed. I don't think it's too much to ask for.

Feeling Drowsy and Down

2007-10-26T12:45:00.000Z

I was in one of those down moods yesterday (maybe it's the weather). I had little reaction to the stuff that normally annoys me because I just didn't have the energy. However, I always have the energy to speak up against street harassment.

When leaving the train station on the way home, some clown was like "mmmmmmmmm" at me. I responded back with "ugh!"

I walked past that bus stop/park on my way home, and loitering losers (who have been featured numerous times on DBS) were out there hanging out. I know they weren't waiting for the bus because four of them were off-schedule and came bunched together. Those clowns are so pathetic, loitering out there in the rain.

The street I walk on is diagonally next to the park, so I'm walking away from them at an angle.

"Whoo-oo-hoo!" I hear. I try to ignore it, but it's impossible.
"Whoo-oo-hoo!" I hear again. Okay, I gotta say something.

"That is not the way you get a woman's attention," I said. "You say 'Excuse me miss' or 'ma'am.' Learn some respect."

And wouldn't you know it? They were stunned into silence.

I wish there were a way I could get those men to stop hanging out around there. I'm sure if I tried to bring this up to the police they'd say "it may be a bus stop but it's a park as well, and they have the right to be there." People have the right to use the park, but not as a hangout to harass women.

I hope this weather clears up, as well as the problem with street harassment. Ridiculous.

Short But Never Sweet (10/24/07)

2007-10-24T10:51:00.000Z

I haven't had too many instances of harassment lately, but the few I did annoyed me.

Monday after tae kwon do, a group of Metro workers (clad in fluorescent vests) came onto the train platform. One of them, a short troll of a man with pitted and weathered skin, approached me. I've been using my headphones a lot lately, and it's deterred many of these losers from trying to approach me or talk to me. Unfortunately I didn't pull them out of my bag in time, and...

"Would you like to work for Metro?" he asked me, then snickered. His buddies thought this was so funny. I knew he wasn't sincerely asking me to work for Metro because 1) it was 8 at night and 2) this fool couldn't think of any other reason to approach me sincerely.

"Hell no!" I said, not trying to hide my annoyance.
This got a rise out of his group.
"Why not? You'll get to ride for free!" More snickering.
"I don't care!" I yelled. "Look, you picked the wrong person to start a conversation with because I'm not in the mood to be bothered with anybody."
I finally found my headphones, put them on, and Troll Man walked away, but not without a gross smirk. On the job, people...on the job! These men have no shame.

And yesterday afternoon, at the corner of N and 31st, I stopped to wait for this dreadlocked fool in a white car to turn right. He acted like he was turning right, but instead did a left and did a circle in the intersection. I shook my head in disbelief. This fool thought my shaking my head at him was a signal for him to talk to me.

"'Ey, boo! Boo, can I talk to you?" I cannot stand being called "boo," "boo-boo," or any other made-up word by some man who needs to get Hooked on Phonics. I ignored him and headed towards my destination. I turned around to make sure he wasn't trying to follow me, and the fool was halfway down the street---he didn't even wait for a response.

It reminds me of walking down U towards Adams Morgan a year or so ago. Some teenaged boy was coming towards me.

"Girl, can I talk to you?" he asked...but kept walking. Stuff like that and the car story make me think that these men are conditioned to act like idiots. They don't care about the response just as long as "can I talk to you?" comes out of their mouths. (rolls eyes)

Street Harassment Survey

2007-10-18T16:49:00.000Z

A GWU grad student did a survey on street harassment for her Master's thesis. Here are the survey's results.

I've read through it and found some of the answers, like education being the key factor to stopping harassment before it starts awesome ideas, but other answers are so callous, ignorant and sarcastic. The same person made hateful comments such as [paraphrases] "have better-looking guys harass them so they'll like it more," "stop calling everything 'harassment," "I threatened to report them to an ugly professor," and that only "racist White women who hate Blacks tell their stories." Horrible. That person was bored online and instigating. Not cool.

Someone also stated that they felt DBS was a useless site...I'm sorry that person feels that way. My question to you is this:

How can I improve this site to make it better?

Stunned Into Silence

2007-10-18T16:39:00.000Z

This just in from an anonymous contributor:

Hi, Please make this post anonymous due to protect the company's identity and myself. It has nothing to do with the company, but I was on the job while it happened.

Today I was running an errand for the office. I had to go to the Sprint store to get some supplies for our boss. Coming back from the store, I walked down K Street. I know K Street has been known for its horrible political corruption, but this is something new. Standing at a stop light waiting for it to say go, I heard a group of men walk up to the corner and started chatting. As the light hit go and pedestrians made it across the street before the light hits red, I heard the men behind me begin to say the crudest things.

Man 1: Oh look at that.
Man 2: At what?
Man 1: The girl in the black shirt...man I wish I could tap that.
Man 2: Yea I bet you she's good in bed.

I wasn't dressed in any way that would provoke these men to say ANYTHING, good or bad. Just dressed in jeans, heels and a black tee shirt. I was infuriated. Speechless to say the least. I didn't know how to approach the situation because these were educated grown men. They should know better. But they don't. Walking on the street by myself I didn't want to engage with a group of disgusting men. In retrospect, I wish I had not become so infuriated, embarrassed, and stormed off. I really wish I had the courage to voice up and say that this is not okay. It really is not okay on any level.

What gives these men the right to speak their dirty thoughts out in the open like that? Some things are better left unsaid---hell, those thoughts shouldn't even come up, period. The contributor was just trying to do her job and she didn't need punk-ass clowns degrading her like that. I wish a group of women would flip the switch on those men, like I did on Labor Day with that loser who got too close and rambled about how sexy I was. I flipped the switch and told him how "ugly" he was which humiliated him as much as he humiliated me when he objectified me.

A lot of contributors wish they would've had the right words to handle the situation, but there are no wrong or right ways of handling it. You can only act according to how you feel at the moment. When it comes to dealing with irrational and unpredictable idiot men, sometimes silence is the best answer.

Articulating Her Thoughts

2007-10-11T08:00:00.000Z

An anonymous contributor wanted to share her story:

I have been hooked on your website for months now, and have been thinking for weeks how to organize my thoughts and experiences into some kind of coherent form to share with you and the other readers. My boyfriend has become an avid reader of your site too and needless to say, has been disgusted by the stories and angry about what he sees me (and women like me) go through on the streets of DC. (I had to keep him, a respectable and articulate guy, out of a fight this summer on my behalf.) I too want to do something, more than just vent - I mean, I want to organize a coalition, talk to Mayor Fenty - anything. You are right - it is too much for one woman, but we all need to get together and let these creeps know the street is public property, and we should not be targets of their "interest" by virtue of the fact that we have places to go. Word.

Since moving to DC from California a year ago I have been stunned by the effect the street harassment has had on my everyday life. I too procrastinate running errands, and sometimes even leaving the comfort of my apartment, because of the constant, scary harassment from men. You have this everywhere in the world to some extent, but in this country I have never experienced anything like DC harassment and men calling attention to me, invading my space, and being nasty while I am minding my own business. I see these loitering punks on Irving Street NW by the Columbia Heights Metro on the way to work every morning and every night when I return home. I see them in the park at the triangle intersection of 16th/Mt. Pleasant/Columbia NW. They pop out when I'm shopping, or walking in Adams Morgan, grabbing at me, trying to get my attention, staring, shouting questions. I am a well-dressed, well-educated person - do they think I am going to walk over and say hi when they act like that?? Dream on. Men don't have to be totally deferential or keep their eyes down in the street, but there is a difference between expressing interest in a woman and making her fear for her personal space and safety!!

I just bought a digital camera today - don't be surprised if you get some shots of the aforementioned punks sooner than later. I commend you for what you're doing. You're not alone - don't be discouraged on the days that you don't get positive feedback. And I'm on board to take the next step and get elected officials involved, if possible, because the right place for street harassment is nowhere, least of all in our nation's capital. Keep on keepin' on, and assert yourself when you judge that it won't jeopardize you further...

Contributor, thank you so much for your message. Each time I feel down about street harassment, someone speaks out and makes me realize that I'm not alone. And feel free to send those photos of these losers to DBS. Those punks need to be put out there and embarrassed. I'm also glad that you're another ally in the fight against street harassment.

I'd like to arrange to have a meeting some time next month...I'll keep everyone posted. Enough is enough when it comes to dealing with this mess on the streets.

A big F*** YOU to harassers in the DC area.

2007-10-09T21:07:00.000Z

Dear Harassers,

I'd love to thank you for making my life miserable. Because of you I dread leaving the house, am always tense and am ready to snap at any given moment. Because of you, I refuse to talk to any men, regardless of whether their intentions are good. Because of you, I have to re-route my journey home to avoid you. Because of you, I feel self-conscious, aggravated, miserable and a nervous wreck. So a huge FUCK YOU to all of you. FUCK YOU for making me feel lower than shit. FUCK YOU for thinking that women's rights are a joke. FUCK YOU for making real men who respect women look bad. FUCK YOU for getting away with your bullshit.

I'm sure you'll never see this message because you're too busy hanging out on street corners or driving around in your cars harassing women like me, but man did it feel good to let that anger out.

Sincerely,
A woman who doesn't take your shit
__________________________________________________________________________

Today was not my day (when is it ever with street harassment?). I wore my "Don't Call Me Baby" shirt, a shirt I've worn many times before. Reactions are hit or miss. Today was nothing but misses.

A crazy homeless guy stood next to me laughing like a nut. I walked away from him to leave him to his devices.

I went to Popeye's for dinner today, and this group of punk-ass kids were coming out of it. I was not only outnumbered (four to one) but these were big kids. The boys were about 6'3'' each and built like football players, and the girl was 5'9'' and really husky. (None of them looked like they should've been eating Popeye's, but I digress.)
"Yo, sex-ay!" one of the boys yelled at me. I felt disgusted. Getting hit on by boys a decade younger than me revolts me.
"Ugly!" I yelled back.
"Her shirt say 'Don't Call Me Baby,'" the same boy said. "Bay-bay!"
These kids then started laughing and making non-sequitur cracks like a bunch of lunatics.
"Take your crazy asses back home to your mothers," I said, while entering the restaurant. Losers.

At the grocery store not too far from Popeye's, the idiot ringing my groceries up read my shirt. "'Don't Call Me Baby'...okay, baby!" he said with a laugh.
"Not funny," I said. "Finish doing your job so I can get out of here."

And going down the escalator in the train station, some dork wouldn't stop staring at me.
"Stop staring," I said. "It's not cool." At least he followed directions.

At least my idiot co-worker didn't make that dorky joke he tends to make when I wear the shirt: "What if your mother or grandmother calls you 'baby'?" he says with a guffaw. I give him a dirty look and he'll stop.

I think with my shirt, idiots are only going to see the front and not the message on the back: "Fight Street Harassment." They're only going to see what they want to see and make commentary from that. It's like my brief experiment with the porno cards: idiots will only look at the front ("Hey...wanna get laid?") and not the back ("Then stop harassing women!!!"). Dummies want validation to be dumb and they'll completely miss the lesson.

I realize that I'll get more attention than normal when I wear the "Don't Call Me Baby" shirt, but I refuse to stop wearing it. More and more fools who harass women will see the full message and start to get the point. And if you want a shirt similar to mine, you can have one custom made at sites like Zazzle.
_________________________________________________________________________

The walk home was annoying as usual. Men found it appropriate to yell at me from their cars, honk their horns, etc. But one instance will have a "happy ending."

Some clown in the passenger side of a van was yelling junk at me. Out of reaction I yelled "damn, fool."
Guy in the passenger side gets mad. "What you say? Huh? What you say?"
These punks were so stupid. As I continued to walk (yeah, I was really going to stand around and let them try to grab me or something [rolling eyes]) I noticed that 1) it was another Comcast van and 2) this time I could see the license plate. I started reciting the license plate out loud, and as soon as I was safe from the punks I wrote it down. Since I couldn't get in touch with someone via phone or e-mail at Comcast, I will have to make a trip down there myself. These punk men have to learn that this behavior is not acceptable---on duty or off!
________________________________________________________________________

Even on days when I'm not wearing the "Don't Call Me Baby" shirt, I still feel like I'm being singled out by harassers. What is it about ME personally that makes me a target of this bullshit? I'll get depressed because I see young women who are happy. They walk with confidence and demand respect. They get positive male attention and have boyfriends. People tell me that if I do the same then I'll get positive attention from guys as well. But it's a catch-22 and it's hard to feel strong and confident 100% when the worst of DC are the only ones paying me attention. Another thing I notice is that confident and happy women are rarely solo. 99% of the time I'm on my own. I don't really have a lot of friends and confidantes in this city, but I am not one to "sit around and wait for it" to come my way. It really is a catch-22---more good people would gravitate to me if I felt good about myself, but it's hard to feel good about myself when I'm being harassed.

I'm hurt, frustrated, and am in a rut with this nonsense. 'Til tomorrow.

Ooh child, things are gonna get easier...ooh child, things will get brighter...

Don't Touch Me!

2007-10-05T10:31:00.000Z

There were no BéBé's or other obnoxious people on my train ride home from dance last night and it was a relaxing ride home. Regardless, I sensed something would happen.

As I walked up the steps to exit the station, some teenage kid was coming down the stairs. I thought he'd pass me and keep on going, but no. He thought it'd be cute to pinch me in the crook of my left arm with his two knuckles and go "'Ey ma, whaddup."

You don't go around touching women you don't know in that intimate way...hell no! He got cursed out.

"I don't fucking know you," I said. "You don't touch me like that. You don't fucking know me! What gives you the right to touch me like that?!"

This kid seemed shocked that I was angry. I hope it eventually gets through his head that you need to get to know a person first, then decide if it's okay to get physically intimate. He definitely crossed a personal boundary with me.

I need to brush up on Spanish...and other stories

2007-10-04T21:01:00.000Z

...because the number of non-English/broken English speaking men who harassed me this past Saturday was ridiculous.

After this past Saturday, I will never set foot in Wheaton again. Not only is it the headquarters for all the loud, obnoxious and poorly-behaved BéBé's Kids to hang out at, this is also the hub for all the street harassers.

As I walked the couple of blocks to the thrift store, I walked past a guy who was hanging with his "homies." He came too close to me with his arms open as if he wanted to embrace me.

"Hey bebby [sic]," he said with a thick accent. "Come and talk to me." His friends thought it was so funny.
"You're too close, loser," I said.
"Aw...come on!" he pleaded.
"Get your ugly ass away from me!" I yelled. I don't know how I got away from that one.

Heading towards the train station after I finished thrift shopping, I walked past another guy who acted like he was going to proceed past me, but also came too close and said "hey ma...what up?" in broken English.

"Back the hell up off me!" I yelled.
"Fuck you, bitch," he said. Yes, I'm sure he gets a lot of women with his coming too close then insulting them when they tell him to back off.

I went to the Giant in Brentwood after, and this flock of Latino laborers were hanging out in the parking lot. This time, more Spanish was involved.

"Mi amor, mi amor, mi amor!" the one guy said, once again coming too goddamn close and doing overdramatic romantic gestures. His amigos thought it was hilarante...I thought it was disgusto.

Going through my head trying to remember the Spanish 101 and 102 I learned in college, I could only think of one thing:

"Feo, feo, feo!" I yelled, pointing at him. ("Ugly, ugly, ugly!")
"Mi, feo?" he asked.
"Si," I said.
This made him start speaking in English and insulting me.
"Fuck you, you're ugly," he said.
"So I go from being 'your love' to the ugliest woman you've spoken to?" I scoffed. "Man, you are stupid. Estupido!"

I walked away while he kept screaming "bitch!" and other insults at my back.

None of my reactions to the idiocy of these men worked. It just agitated them and made it riskier for me. I feel more confident when speaking up against English-speaking harassers, but totally lose it when dealing with Spanish-speaking ones. So I'm opening this post up for suggestions. If you know any ways of putting Spanish-speaking harassers in their place, please send those ideas this way!

___________________________________________________

I guess I should've been "grateful" (insert eyeroll here) that the rest of my harassers spoke English that day. I got off the train and two teenage boys were rapping then crowding around me (a common theme around these punk-ass men and boys!). The one rapped "Yo ma, I don't got your numba so I can sto' it in my phone." I looked at him with disgust and said "leave me the hell alone, man." A group of college kids on their porch witnessed his getting dismissed and laughed.

And ten minutes from my house, a group of middle-aged men were hanging out in a truck parked outside an auto shop across the street from me. They kept yelling to get my attention and wouldn't let up. After a long day of being harassed by loser men I snapped:

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! If I wanted to talk to you I would've responded by now! I don't want to talk to old-ass men yelling at me from across the street!"

That stunned them into silence...good.

Where are these men learning that this nonsense and behavior works? Crowding around a woman they don't know from Eve to physically intimidate her, insulting her and yelling from across the street DO NOT WORK! Men, if you are sincerely trying to find a woman, for the love of god find better tactics of doing such. But if you're just doing this stuff to show your masculinity and show off for your friends, then you seriously need to get a life.

I came home furious that day. I hit my inflatable punching bag a few times, but nothing released the anger I felt. If I could hit those men I'd feel better, but then I'd be the one getting in trouble and I don't want to give them that satisfaction. I tell you, these men must feel low as dirt if they need to intimidate and mistreat women the way they do.

There are times when I question why I have this blog. I sometimes feel that I've taken on too much. I just want to go about my day-to-day life, I didn't want to become a martyr. But when my day-to-day life involves being harassed by asshole men, then it's really hard to ignore. So for the time being, this blog will go on.

And I still want to have a meeting in the future. I have not forgotten that.

"Dawg"

2007-09-23T08:00:00.000Z

I found this on YouTube. It's a short film described as "a surreal interpretation of a woman's walk down a city street." It was filmed in Brooklyn in 1995.

Times sadly haven't changed. In four and a half minutes, one can feel what this girl's going through. This is what a recipient of street harassment feels like on a regular basis---attacked, angry, scared, fed up.

I want to choke Comcast...

2007-09-21T19:01:00.000Z

No, it has nothing to do with their cable service...it has to do with their technicians not knowing how to think with their brains and not their dicks and to do their damn jobs. It's probably the reason why cable service is never on time---they're too busy hitting on women walking down the street.

I was walking home not too long ago, happy that the weekend was finally here. Less than ten minutes from my house I hear "whoo-hoo" and kissing noises. I look up to see a crusty, fat fool in the passenger seat of a van with this shit-eating grin on his face. When I noticed the "Comcast" logo on the van, I became furious.

"Leave me alone, fool!" I said, the shit-eating grin still in place.
A clown driving in the opposite direction yelled "why you act so mean?" He got dismissed too.

When I head home, I have the right to do so without being holla'd at and harassed by these punk-ass losers. Why do they feel they can yell at me, make kissing noises at me, and treat me like an object? Do these clowns have mothers and sisters? How would they feel if their female relatives were treaten as less than human? Apparently they don't care!

I couldn't get close enough to get the license plate---I even tried running to catch up to the van while it was at a light but couldn't make it. I was mad at myself---yes myself---for letting that van get away.

I thought "what can I do? I can't report them without a license plate!" but thought I'd call Comcast anyway, since I had the time of the incident, location and description of the perpetrator. Unfortunately I got bounced around, had to press this number or that number, and when I finally got a human voice she transfered me to another number that was the same thing.

I also tried to report this via e-mail, but their system only works for existing customers/potential customers. I don't want Comcast service...I just want to file a report!

Unfortunately, Comcast won the fight, but they have not won the battle.

And to the idiots that visit this site thinking we "hate men" and "want them to lose their jobs," no we don't. I speak for myself when I say I don't want anyone to lose their job, but I want them to know that treating women like that---on the clock or off---is not cool at all.

Hateful Loser of the Month

2007-09-18T11:02:00.000Z

I don't mind comments that disagree with my views or anyone else's views on this blog, as long as you do so with tact and class. This, however, I don't like:

In response to a post from a few months ago called "Fed Ex Delivers Hollas," a blogger named Royalemonte left this message (not edited for spelling or grammar):

sounds like you had it coming. you sound like a real bitch. if thedriver had known he probably would have killed himself as opposed totalk to you. way to probably get him fired, whilest you were probablydressed like a whore anyway if he 'holla'ed at you

And Royalemonte, you sound like a real asshole. Take your hateful and illegible comments somewhere else. You my dear, like Michael before, are this month's "Loser Response of the Month."

Royalemonte came here with a Google search of "where the fuck is the fed ex guy?" (don't ask, people) and I have his IP address logged. If he comes back here for more trouble, he'll be reported to his Net provider.

Why do these people even bother? All they're asking for is to be ridiculed here.

Smoothly Putting A Loser In His Place

2007-09-14T13:00:00.000Z

Blogger Smart Tart did a write-up on how she calmly put a harasser in his place.

It is not easy for me to say "stop harassing women" in a cool way. The men I encounter are loud, foul and obnoxious, and I find I have to get loud back. A lot of people say because I'm smaller the men won't take me seriously, and the only way they'll hear me is by getting loud.

There's no easy way or right or wrong answer in terms of handling harassment. The calm approach sometimes works, the loud approach sometimes works. Sometimes neither do. If I knew the panacea to this harassment problem, then I could close this blog. But until the time comes when this behavior is no longer acceptable or okay in our society, then it'll stay open and I'll keep searching for answers.

Punished For Defending Themselves

2007-09-14T12:35:00.000Z

Click here for article.

Seven women are being punished because they dared to defend themselves against a misogynistic creep. Just because they said they were lesbians and rejecting his advances does not give him the right to call them names and choke one of them. It does not give him the right to get off scot-free while they serve jail time. All this because they were defending their selves and defending their rights.

I hope justice comes for the Lesbian 7, and I hope Dwayne Buckle and that horrid judge who sentenced them get the punishment they deserve.

Nubian Nuisance

2007-09-14T11:52:00.000Z

No, it's not horribly harassing, and it's not as bad as being called "bitch" or followed home, but it's annoying as hell.

On my walk to the train station, a man politely smiled and said "Good morning." Very simple, no frills attached, a friendly salutation. I replied in kind.

When descending the steps to the train station, a guy clad in Afrocentric gear walking up the steps said, "Good morning, my beautiful Nubian sistah." I'm not one of those Black people who's a fan of the oversaturated "Nubian Sistah Queen Girlfriend" crap. I think it's pretentious, phony, showy, and not genuine at all. Cloying and annoying is what I find it.

"Good morning, guy I don't want to deal with," I responded. Too early in the morning.
"What---?!" he said, offended. "All I said was 'good morning.'"
"No you didn't just say 'good morning,'" I said.

The guy starts ranting like a lunatic how I need to "cut that shit off yo' head!" That was his way of implying that I wasn't "Black enough" for him and not worthy of having dreads.

I started arguing with him, but realized how ridiculous he sounded and said, "Man, you sound like a lunatic...have a nice day!" He was still screaming even when I was in the station.

I know I'm going to get a lot of negative responses to this, but I don't care. Yes, I love compliments and appreciate them. But I appreciate compliments that come from a true and genuine place, not some hackneyed crap that I'm sure would be spewed at the next girl to walk by.

Also, a person's reaction to rejection tells you if that's a person who was worth dealing with anyway. I've had experiences where I'd try to get to know a person and start a conversation and they'd blow me off. No skin off my hide. These men instead of taking rejection in stride start ranting and raving like idiots...that's someone you don't want to be bothered with.

So get to me at the comments...let me know how so "wrong" you all think I am. Not all women think alike and react alike. To some, being called "Nubian Sistah Queen" is flattering, but to me it's eyeroll-inducing.

Another Late Night Holla

2007-09-08T18:54:00.000Z

In the same line of my recent post on late night harassment, Sara sent this story:

Hey! I love your blog (and all of the HollaBack sites for different cities). As a woman living in DC, they help me learn ways to deal with creepy men on the street. Anyway, this just happened to me and I needed to vent:

I work until late at night, and I was walking home. Fortunately, no one says anything to me most of the time, especially on a weekend night when more people are around. Tonight, though, I walked by this guy and hear him say, "nice," as if he's staring at my ass or something. I turn around and glare at him, and he said, "I said you look nice. You don't like a compliment?" I said, icily, "No." He said, as he was crossing the street and walking away from me, "You need to learn to accept a compliment."

At least he was walking away and not bothering me. But then, he walked up the steps to my apartment building! I really hoped this jerk wasn't also my neighbor. He called someone from the downstairs buzzer, so he didn't live there. Turned out he had the wrong building and instead went to the building next door. But he took his sweet time figuring that out, so I hid behind a tree next to a hotel and waited for him to leave my stoop so I could go home.

It's pretty pathetic that I have to run and hide from these guys in my own neighborhood, in front of my HOME, but what was I supposed to do, cross the street and saunter into my building right in front of him? That man needs to learn that complimenting women on the street late at night isn't flattering, it's scary.

Thanks for giving people a space to get these stories off of our chests!

It's not right when you have to hide from some clown when all you want to do is go home and relax. Thank god he ended up not trying to follow you for real---but part of me wonders if he ran to that other apartment as a bluff when you caught him at your place. Either way, I'm glad you're safe.

Men, we can take compliments---when the time and place is right. Late at night on the streets is not the right time or place! The last thing we want is some man trying to hit on us then when all we're concerned about is getting home safely.

As a follow up to my last post on late night harassment and the mention of RightRides, Oraia Reid, RightRides' co-founder, sent me this information on how to get a chapter in DC. It is a project I am definitely interested in working on.

I think the smartest idea is to smart small and work from there. Right now I'm the only person working on this site, and to do something as large as a rally is a huge task for one person. As mentioned previously, I'd love to schedule a meeting in the next couple of months. I want it to be informal (maybe at a coffeehouse?) and we can discuss working to make the streets in DC safer for people. We can also start a committee as well and go from there. One can be the catalyst, but it takes the strength and ingenuity of many to make things happen. Who's with me?

Crossed Lines

2007-09-08T18:42:00.000Z

The Global Action Project put together this piece I found on YouTube. It shows a street harassment scenario and gives both sides of the story via voiceover thoughts. Check it out.

Defend Yourself

2007-09-06T16:26:00.000Z

Self-defense instructor Lauren Taylor has established Defend Yourself classes in the DC metro area. She is a strong advocate of women's rights and safety, something we need more of in this community.

For more information, click on the link. I'll post it in the sidebar as well so it'll be available for quick reference.

Fake Harassment

2007-09-06T16:10:00.000Z

Blogger Arjewtino sent me this story:

I was hanging out at Cue Bar (a basement establishment) last Friday night with friends when I went upstairs to get some fresh air. Two people -- a man and a woman -- were near the bottom of the stairs seemingly in a loving embrace. I mumbled "excuse me" as I slid past them when, about halfway up the stairs, the woman said, "Can I get a little help here?"

I looked back down and from my vantage point, it suddenly looked like he was manhandling her in a physical and unwelcoming way and that she was trying to get out of the situation without being too forceful. In that instant, I walked back down toward them and started to tell the guy to get his hands off of her, even grabbed his arm, when she started to laugh and said, "I was kidding, I'm kidding!"

The man laughed and didn't say anything. All I uttered was "Oh" and walked back upstairs. She said, "Thanks, though, good to know you would have helped."

I didn't feel good about it, though. I felt like a chump. Having seen family and friends really get harassed made me feel like this display of crocodile tears -- for attention, for fun, to see her man beat up a Good Samaritan, I don't know -- was the wrong thing to do.

This is aggravating. I hate it when people cry wolf, get outsiders involved, then laugh it off as "kidding." Harassment is no laughing matter at all. I hope they stop this horrific habit, because one day when she may really need help no one will believe her. Arjewtino, don't let clowns like that stop you from being a Good Samaritan.

This story I'm about to relate wasn't a prank like Arjewtino's story, but it's in the same line. A few years ago I was out at 80s night in Adams Morgan. This clod was drunk and bothering all these women in sight---yours truly as well. I pushed his face away from me. He kept pestering this one girl by manhandling her, trying to drunk kiss her, etc. She looked uncomfortable. If I were in that situation I'd want someone helping me out of it, so I (100-lb. weakling at 5'4'') pushed him (about 6', average build) off, and he barely stumbles.

"Heyyyyyyy," he slurs. "Who are you?" (The same chick you just tried to make drunken passes at a few minutes prior, dumbass.)
"It's okay," the girl said. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" I asked.

She nods in the affirmative, but it just didn't sit right with me. I was glad when his friends finally dragged his sorry butt home. Seriously, if you have a problem speak up. Don't allow yourself to be uncomfortable.

Update to "Assault at Union Station"

2007-09-06T13:21:00.000Z

The contributor from this story has informed me that she contacted MARC so they're keeping a lookout for him, and she will contact Amtrak authorities when she heads home as well. She also said that she has not seen him on her commute today, which is a sigh of relief to me and DBS's readers.

I hope he gets caught so he can never assault someone else again.

Late Night Harassment: leave me alone, losers!

2007-09-06T12:01:00.000Z

I participated in something last night that went longer than what I had planned, and ended up out later than what I'm used to on a Wednesday. Not too many buses were running so I had to walk to the train station to catch the train home, then walk from the train station to get home. If I could afford a cab last night, I would've taken one. I was alert and my guard was up.

The losers who don't have to worry about getting up for work the next morning were out and about. I heard "Baby boo, can we talk to you?" expecting to see scrubbish Black males, but was "graced" (barf!) with the presence of suburban-looking White guys in dress pants and shirts talking like that. I can't stand it when men my own race talk to me like that---I can't stand it even more when White men talk to me like that. It oozes with racism when they do it. The same clowns who don't have the courage to properly speak to a Black woman in daytime become outlandishly bold at night with liquor in their systems. They have stereotypes of Black women floating around in their heads, and I refuse to kowtow to that.

"Girl, whaddup?" the one kept asking.
"I don't speak to losers," I said and continued on. He said something, but I don't know what it was and didn't care to wait around to find out.

Another man points at me and says "Girl, I'll see you tomorrow!" No you won't!!

Walking home from the train station, I heard "Hey, shawty, whaddup?" The thing that unnerved me the most was that I had no clue where it was coming from. There's a parking lot near a pizza place I walked past, and I think it was coming from there. But this dude is a goddamned fool if he thought I was going to stop to talk to some voice coming from the shadows in the middle of the night!!

I never felt so grateful to be home before in my life. Why there aren't more buses running at night---or shuttles, at least---is a mystery to me. There should be something like RightRides in Brooklyn, which gives free rides to women and transgendered people so they won't have to walk the streets alone late at night. DC needs to get on the ball with that one. Street harassment would decrease greatly if less women had to walk home at night.

I hate having to walk home at night, and try my damnedest to avoid it. But like last night, there are times when I don't have a choice. If you're ever in a situation when you have to walk home please 1) stay on well-lit streets 2) stay on streets that have some population and 3)STAY ALERT!

Another assault...in Mt. Pleasant

2007-09-05T14:41:00.000Z

Kimberly sent me this message involving her friend:

Just read your latest post - god, I'm so angry - and realized that I forgot to tell you about what happened to my best girlfriend recently. She was hanging out at my house and left around 8, walking down Mt. Pleasant Street to an ATM only about a block and a half away. She was wearing a shirt-style dress, and as she was nearing the ATM, was grabbed under that dress. She said the man ran off and all she could do was try to yell at him. There wasn't anything else she could do and there was nobody really around to help (it was late evening, kind of quiet out) - and no cops, which is kind of rare for that street. She said she was in such shock she almost couldn't believe it had really happened.

Goddamn, aren't you sick of this?

You know it. I'm tired of our livelihoods being threatened because idiot-ass fools don't know how to keep their hands to themselves. Between this and the previous post, men are getting away with these horrible acts. I am tired of just blogging about it---I really want to take action. What can we do to stop this? What can we do to let people know we won't tolerate it? I do want to plan a meeting/rally in the next few months. Give me some time to get my head together and organize, people.

Assault at Union Station

2007-09-04T08:00:00.000Z

An anonymous contributor sent this story to my inbox:

I live in Baltimore. I take the train from Penn Station in Baltimore to Washington only once a week (thank god). I used to take the train every day, but since I freelance now I don't have to be at [workplace omitted] every day. And yes, I've also been groped on the train and bullied in other ways, just like almost every other woman I know. Thank you for your blog and for publicizing this stuff. My god, it seems like I've been fighting this all my life and it just never gets better. But now, at age 50, I finally feel more confident and able to fight back (safely, of course -- I don't want to get killed, though a few friends have already told me I was an idiot for confronting the guy on the platform).

I was -- uh, I believe the legal term is assaulted -- Thursday morning on the platform at Union Station.

It was a military guy in Army fatigues. White guy, light brown, blondish hair, not crewcut, normal cut, kind of stocky build. I've seen him get on before, I believe at your stop, but I'm not sure. Either BWI or Odenton, I think, or maybe Halethorpe; I don't know. I don't remember. Anyway, since there aren't that many of them, as you know, one tends to notice them. I suppose they go to the Pentagon.

I had gotten off my car, way at the back of the pack, and started walking forward. I had passed him, way on the other side of the platform -- in other words, nowhere near each other -- way at the back. You know how most people don't like walking on the yellow tread-strip near the edge, so that tends to be the fast lane, so to speak. As I was weaving my way forward, I ended up on the yellow tread, where I don't mind walking (it's actually easier on my foot).

As I'm walking along, suddenly, just when a pillar is to the left of me and the edge of the platform on the right, I feel a body slam. And I do mean body slam. This wasn't a bump. It was a shove. It rocked my body out toward the edge -- thank god there was a train there and thank god I hadn't been standing still -- since I was moving forward, the force of his slam was less than if I had been stationary, in which case I believe he would've knocked me over.

There was no chance this was 1) an accident or 2) he didn't feel it. When it happened, I looked immediately to my left to see him pounding by and I said, "Excuse me!" He ignored me and kept walking. I said again, "Excuse me!" Again no response. I muttered, "You asshole."

He stopped dead: "What did you say?"

Uh-oh, I thought, now I've done it. I was scared shitless. Trying to defuse the situation, I said, "You just shoved me. When two people bump into each other, it's polite to say 'excuse me.' I said it; you didn't. And it was clearly your fault."

He comes over, puts his hand on my back -- in what I at first, for a millisecond, thought was a conciliatory gesture, as if he couldn't hear me and was trying to lean in to do so. He never apologized, never acknowledged what he had done, and -- get this -- started pushing me. I mean pushing. It wasn't a conciliatory gesture, he was actually pushing me as we walked.

So I immediately ended my own solicitous explanation to him and stopped and said, "Get your hands off me! Don't touch me!"

Of course everyone around us witnessed the whole thing and heard everything, but nobody stopped.

Then I just kept walking, not looking at him, figuring it was over and he would leave me alone. But he came back over to me (!!!!!!!), didn't touch me, but started complaining to me again -- honestly, I have absolutely no recollection of what he said, I just know his demeanor was threatening, and never did he acknowledge what he had done. So one last time, without looking at him, without breaking stride, I repeated what I had said before about his behavior. He said something else, and I said again, "Asshole."

He hissed in my ear: "That's the second time."

Without a glance, I said, "Third time, I believe," and just kept walking. I have no idea if he went off towards the Metro or stood there or followed me for a while or what. I was shaking, absolutely shaking. I knew we were surrounded by people, plus there were cops everywhere, so I mean what was he gonna do? Clock me?

He probably beat the shit out of somebody else later in the day. Or got into trouble at work, or took it out on someone.

But he clearly targeted me, since he came up from behind, and I repeat that it wasn't a bump, it was a shove. An absolute shove.

I'm going to tell the conductors when I get on the train on Thursday, and describe him to them. And I absolutely will not get off the train anymore until everyone else has gotten off. I will be the last person in the crowd. I don't want anyone coming up behind me ever again, especially not him, as I'm sure to see him on future trains.

If this guy gets on at your station, maybe you've seen him. The whole thing was totally bizarre and scary.

Contributor, scary as it was you stood your ground and stood up to this clown. I'm also glad that you're reporting this when you get the chance. I hope others and readers of DBS will be on the lookout for this punk.

What boggles my mind is that no one stopped to help the contributor. They took notice and went about their ways. You don't need to physically intervene to help---you can contact the nearest security/authority figure and have them intervene. Yelling "leave her alone!" would've drawn attention as well. This passive attitude and disregard in helping others bothers me.

Lastly, stay safe. I have issues too when it comes to not biting my tongue when dealing with asshole men. Yet if I feel the man's going to start threatening me with physical violence, I walk or run away and try to get help.

I hope this guy is caught. He shouldn't use his military status to brutalize women. Be on the lookout everyone.

Labor Day Shorts

2007-09-03T20:12:00.000Z

Tasha at La Bella Noire's Ramblings did a write-up of her encounters with loser men of the international equation.

Surprisingly, today was not that bad a day for me in terms of being harassed. I went to the Wheaton Westfield Mall and not one ornery-acting and uncouth male tried to talk to me---and there were throngs of rowdy high school boys out and about.

I went to Adams Morgan, which tends to be the haven for street harassment, to get a M'Dawg and an ice cream. A table of horny men outside a restaurant on Columbia Rd. (near the Bank of America ATM) were trying to coerce women into coming their way. The women were pretty headstrong and not havin' it.

"That woman looked at us like 'I ain't comin' over to some broke-ass n****!'," one of the men commented. Glad that women aren't letting some fools on the street make them do what they don't want to.

While leaving Columbia to head to 18th (near the Blockbuster), some creepy man eased up too damn close to me, sucked his teeth and whispered, "Mm! Sexy!"

Feeling grossed out, I mocked him. "Ugly as hell!" I said in the same tone he used on me. "Naaaaaaaaaasty!" He looked just as uncomfortable as he made me feel prior, and there was an audience of passers-by to add to it. I was glad he didn't sass me back. He needed to be humiliated.

Second (and last, thank god) encounter was on 18th heading towards the fork where Florida Avenue and U Street intersect 18th. Some man on a stoop, about to light up a cigarette says "You say 'hi' to me!" He said it in this tone as if I needed to bow to his feet and kiss them. Hell no!

I don't care if English isn't his first language...there is a certain tone of respect you need to have towards women if you want it back!

"I don't want to!" I responded, to which he reacted like a petulant kid not getting his way. Ha! And he did not stoop to calling me "bitch" either like some of these men tend to do.

While I can't stand being harassed, I'm glad the reactions to my speaking up were close to nonexistent. I enjoyed my ice cream and hot dog, and urge you all to enjoy the rest of this holiday as well.

Fishin' to Holla

2007-08-31T19:10:00.000Z

This clown's post is in front of the Whole Foods on P Street. He sits in front of it holding a long rod with a plastic Starbucks cup tied to it begging for money. With most passers-by he simply shakes the cup begging for money. But when I walk by he "hollas" at me. "Hey, sexy," "hey, beautiful." Yuck. I don't need to be hit on by some man old enough to be my father who's bumming on the street.

When I went to Whole Foods last week it was my first (and second, since I had to walk past him when exiting the store) encounter with him. I told him "man, stop hitting on me when I walk by you!" Since I had to go back to return some nasty juice, he was there again and did not seem to get the hint from last week.

I snapped his photo and told him that his face would be all over the 'Net because he doesn't know how to leave women alone. He just doesn't seem to get it or care.

"You have a nice weekend, too!" he said, cutting me off when I told him he needed to quit his nonsense. I guess it will be since more people will know how much of a clown he is.

Update from Kimberly Klinger

2007-08-26T20:51:00.000Z

Kimberly Klinger, who wrote a feature for the Washington City Paper on dealing with street harassment, sent a message to my inbox:

Just wanted to drop a quick line. I've honestly had a
very calm end of summer! But I do have a few
incidents.

I went to LA for a week and I got one measly kissy
noise made out of a car. It was so peaceful. However,
the day after I got back to DC, I was sitting at my
neighborhood bus stop and a car all but stopped
driving past, the guy staring at me so hard I could
feel it even though I was reading. I looked up, and he
kept staring lewdly. I was early-morning cranky, so I
gave him the finger. He looked cross, gave it back -
but then sped off. Then, on the way home from work
that same day, some (older, nasty) guy felt it
necessary to lean in and tell me "damn, you sure do
look good" as I was getting a CityPaper. I didn't do
anything, just slammed the case and went on my way.

I read your post about changing your clothes/routes to
avoid harassment, and I do that all the time. If I
wear a short skirt out in the winter, I put yoga pants
or similar underneath it for my trek to the car/cab.
In the summer, I wear sneakers instead of heels with
my shorts/skirts - again, just for the commute. Of
course neither one of them work totally but it
definitely helps. And I always walk up 16th instead
of Mt Pleasant St. - WAY less harassment.

While she seemed to almost get away from harassment during her trip to LA, it seems that she can't get a vacation from it in DC. I just don't get why these men act like clowns in this area. They need to learn how to show respect to women. It sucks that she has to reroute her walk to avoid idiots.

Thanks Kimberly for submitting your update, and glad you're keeping strong regardless of the losers on the street.

Big Trouble

2007-08-17T08:00:00.000Z

BeautyInBaltimore sent me this YouTube video.

It looks like the guy is making cracks at the woman for being heavyset, and she gets back in his face yelling back. Then her friend joins in, and it looks like the first woman gives the first hit. They attack the man and a third woman runs in.

I hope that if you get harassed on the street that it never escalates to this level. And from someone who's taking martial arts, only attack to defend yourself---don't make the first blow. You're only putting yourself in a more sketchy situation if you strike first. You want the perpetrator to be the one getting punished---not you.

Flirtation or Harassment?

2007-08-16T13:06:00.000Z

Baltimore Sun Copy Editor Maryann James did a write-up on her take on a previous DBS submission, "Flirtation vs. Harassment."

Check it out.

Be Aware Of Your Surroundings

2007-08-16T12:43:00.000Z

Matt sent two stories to my inbox:

First, I just wanted to congratulate you on the blog - it truly is a much needed forum for this issue. Coming from Boston, I never experienced this type of front-stoop dwelling/loitering type of harassment. I would like to offer a couple of quick stories so that other people can be aware of potential harassment. As a young male, I feel as if I can defend myself (I would rely purely on my running skills) but I want to make sure people are aware of the areas they travel to prior to going.

Story #1 - As I was leaving the Wheaton Mall on a late weeknight around closing time, I noticed a group of three young teenagers waiting outside the doors. As girls walked by, they would follow them and say "Yo, let me rap at you." First off, what does that even mean? Secondly, they would not quit. I felt so bad for these girls, I followed at a distance just to make sure nothing happened to them on their way to their cars. It's disgusting to watch - the way they speak, the way they walk, their mindsets. Anyways, I see it often when I go up there, so just be aware.

I've been to Wheaton quite a few times and tend to notice the throngs of thuggish-looking guys hanging about the Metro Station and the bridge that leads to the Wheaton Mall with nothing better to do than hit on any woman or girl that walks by. I agree that you need to be cautious when heading to that area---especially in that bridge because it tends to be desolate there.

Story #2 - I take the Red Line home from work. Every once in a while I see this same guy. He is a nerdy guy with glasses in his 40's that looks like he works as a computer programmer. Anyways, he sits across from me and this other kid and I catch him staring us up and down from head to toe. The other kid didn't see it as he was reading his book. I just would stare back, and then he would proceed to stare at the other kid. When I looked back down, and then up, I would find him staring at me again. This guy had such a pure pedophile look to him. Anyways, with my luck he gets off at my metro stop and I proceed to walk behind him. He turns around about eight times and stares me up and down. I finally took another route home.

If I were in this scenario, I would've let him know that I didn't appreciate being stared at, and if possible try to move somewhere else. Why do these clowns think that this behavior is normal? No one needs to be leered at while trying to commute!

Thanks for your stories. It shows that anyone can be a creep, regardless of what s/he looks like, and that we do need to be cautious of our surroundings. Make mental notes (location, time of day, the people you pass by) and be prepared.

A Day---of Harassment---in Columbia Heights

2007-08-15T08:10:00.000Z

Blogger Capitulate Now did a write-up on her blog about her street harassment ordeal one day.

It is almost two months old, but definitely still worth mentioning. Some of her encounters are benign, but others are high on the "creep-o-meter."

The Stupid Things Boys Do

2007-08-15T08:00:00.000Z

Liz at An OC Girl Living In An Extraordinary World did a write-up with the above title about the loser guys she's been dealing with...even with her boyfriend around.

Like I said in previous posts, these harassing men just don't care.

Do You Change Habits to Prevent Clowns From Harassing You?

2007-08-14T16:46:00.000Z

After reading BeautyInBaltimore's post that I linked here (see previous blog post), it saddens me that the men are so bad that she has to wear a fake wedding ring to get them to leave her alone, but that it has no effect on them whatsoever.

I thought about the things I've done to get men to leave me alone. I cannot remember the last time I've worn a short skirt or shorts...maybe five years ago. I tend to wear pants---palazzos, capris, gauchos---and when I wear a skirt it's knee-length or longer.

I went out a few weekends ago to an 80s night. I wore a strappy yellow tunic with leggings and a gold sash. I was worried that I was going to get unwanted attention on my way there from men on the streets, so in hot weather (I believe it was in the 90s then), I wore a jacket. I was burning up hot but desperate to not get unwanted attention from these men. That did me no good...men were still honking their horns at me on my walk to the train station. Only when I met up with my friend and got to the venue did I have the courage to take my jacket off.

There's also the tactic of lying about having a boyfriend or other significant other, but that will not deter these men. They'll still push and persist, because they have no tact and could care less about you. If they react with a comment such as, "that's cool...what's your man gotta do with me?" or something like that, then it shows the lack of respect they have for you as a woman...as an invididual. And if you answer "Gotta man?" with "No...but I'm not interested" and they still push you, they've got problems. Men, just because a woman is single it doesn't mean she'll jump right in your arms...especially if "Gotta man?" is your approach. You need to have common interests, have attraction to one another, and be interested in dating for it to work.

Bold as I thought I was, there were times when I've had to reroute my way home because I got tired of the harassment on my way home. The detour was lengthy, on a hilly street, and a pain in my behind.

Looking back, I shouldn't have to be the one to change what I do to get through my day. These clowns on the street should! It doesn't matter if I'm dressed for a night out or wearing sweats, these men will act like fools regardless.

So readers, don't try to change what you do or who you are to placate these men. Nothing you can do will cause them to change their pitiful ways, because it's not about you, it's about THEM. All you can do is continue to carry yourself with class and stand up for yourself if you become the next target of some harassing idiot.

Idiots in Baltimore

2007-08-12T15:19:00.000Z

Blogger BeautyInBaltimore mentions a couple of losers she dealt with while in her neck of the woods.

These men have no tact, no class, and don't seem to take "no" for an answer.

Don't these clowns ever stop to take a breath?

2007-08-06T18:57:00.001Z

I guess not. As thrilled as I was that harassment seemed to be dwindling down, I found out that these idiots are still up to their old tricks. An anonymous contributor sent me two instances of being harassed:

(1) My friends and I were going down the escalator at Eastern Market on our way home from work. One one annoying kid who was waiting for the bus tried to get my attention: "psst...psst. hey sexy! HEY SEXY!" I was just going to ignore him, but then I couldn't even CONCENTRATE on what my friend was saying. So then I turn to him (I'm still going down the escalator slowly) and tell him "Excuse me, you do NOT talk to me like that!" He gives a little shocked look and then says "Guurl, you WHITE! Baby, be black, be black!" This only makes me more mad that a man hears me defend myself and I speak proper English (God forbid). I proceed to yell at him as he laughs (clearly just trying to dismiss his rejection) how he needs to get some self-respect and thinking that speaking proper English equates being "white." I quickly realize the futility of the argument and proceed to flip him off before I step off the bottom of the stairs.

(2) A group of men were waiting for the bus near Eastern Market and I was walking with a bunch of other interns to a restaurant after work. I was in the middle of the group and one man proceeds to reach out his hand towards me. I hear a sultry "Hi friend, come here." I look up at him in horror as he TOUCHES me and I jerk away my hand. I say "Don't touch me; I'm not your fucking friend." His friends laugh and the rejected mimics me (poorly) "Don't touch me!" Oh, yes, that REALLY hurt *my* feelings. I was with a number of people (guys and girls) and I point the men out to my friends as we walk away. I loudly complained about them and made sure everyone turned out to stare. I noticed the men were pretty uncomfortable and were a bit worried about some consequences, so that made me feel a little bit better.

I just have to say that I love your blog. It's so good to know I'm not alone and the trends I've noticed aren't just with me. I am spending the summer in DC as an intern and I cannot WAIT to leave. I go to school in Boston and the harassment is no where near as bad as it is down here. I've actually limited my solo outings because I just can't deal with the degradation sometimes. Thank you so much for the site! It'll help me ''keep on keeping on'' for the remainder of my last week here.

I hope your last days in DC are harassment-free. I'm sorry that this is the behavior you had to deal with in the District.

I can relate to being made fun of by men like the ones featured in that same manner with the "you think you[sic] White!" and the obnoxious mocking. You're right...these clowns know they're not worth SHIT and by stooping to that level that's their way of making themselves feel good. They know good and well that a second ago you were their greatest fantasy, and since it didn't come true you became their biggest nightmare and an object of their disdain.

The behavior of losers like these does not (I repeat, DOES NOT) reflect on you in any way. Good for you for pointing out publicly how much these men sucked, so others could see it as well. They needed to be embarrassed.

Not many stories to report...

2007-08-02T16:08:00.000Z

...which I see as a good thing. I'm hoping it means that these clowns that bother people on the District's streets are starting to get word that their actions are being reported to DBS.

In the meantime, Liz sent me the link to a research study about harassment on NYC trains. Also, Mari at In Shaw did a write up on how annoying it is to deal with men who consider a simple "hello" and other forms of common courtesy a foreign language.

As thrilled as I am that street harassment is currently at a standstill, I'm always available to accept stories and your feedback.

Stay strong, stay safe...and be happy that street harassment in DC has come to a pause (at least for now).

Flirtation vs. Harassment

2007-07-21T12:46:00.000Z

Avocado in Paradise did this great write-up on flirting vs. harassing that she asked to publish on DBS:

Some guys know how to flirt in a good way and others seem to only know how to harass. Flirting can be a pleasant exchange for both parties, reaffirming each others' attractiveness and social skills innocently and then going your separate ways. Or it can turn uncomfortable and make one person not want to walk past the place that it happened again, and presumably make the other person depressed that I never took their invitation to email or call. When it goes badly, it makes me much less likely to be open to these pleasant exchanges in the future. The clueless or willfully jerky guys are ruining it for everyone and making women in the city have to be cold and standoffish to everyone.

Let me contrast two encounters I've had in the last 72 hours. One went well and the other not so well.

Yesterday as I was getting on the metro on the way home I had to squeeze through the doors past a well-dressed rather cute guy who was standing in the doorway. I got on at Smithsonian, the one stop within about 10 where the doors open on the right side. They open on the left at all the other stops around there so people who feel like standing stand on the right side and just move out of the way if anyone gets on at Smithsonian. People rarely get on there at rush hour, and if they do they're a family of tourists, so he seemed surprised that I was getting on there as he moved aside and that made me smile a little.

After a little while I get off at my stop, and he gets off there too. On the escalator he says hello and asks if I'm from France. I say "no" and laugh a little at the absurdity because I get asked that a lot. He then acts kind of embarrassed and asks if I have a sister in the city who's from France, like he's met someone who looks like me who was. I say no, thinking that if he says anything else it'll be something like what I've encountered before (saying he's met someone who looks like me who was, or that I have an accent).

Instead of anything normal, he proceeds to ask my name and where I work, saying he works for the government when I ask where he works (rather than answer straight, annoyed that he's asking me that kind of stuff). I mean, why start grilling me? Weirdo. If you want a little flirtation you talk about the weather, the arts festival happening up the street, something about the metro. You know, pleasant stuff that's innocuous.

I get off the first escalator and walk quickly away trying to leave him in the dust. Suddenly he's next to me again asking if I live around here, asking if I want to get coffee sometime, & saying something about how he has to go to his car. I say no I can't, look straight ahead and walk quicker, get to the escalator to the surface and walk up it, trying to leave him behind.

He apparently follows closely, because at the top of the escalator he's right there saying he lives right around here, and giving me a card with his government email address written on the back. I take it, trying not to do anything to make this weirdo mad, figuring there's a better chance he'll leave me alone if I don't piss him off by not taking his card. He explains that he ran out of cards but wrote his address on the back. The card is for a shoe repair place, Cobbler's Bench at Union Station.

At that point I'm finally able to lose him by walking away quickly and not looking back. I proceed to take a meandering route home in case he's following me, checking behind me every couple blocks. Why are guys so creeeeepyyyyy??? Why do we have to deal with this crap just trying to get home?

Let me contrast this unpleasant behavior with that I encountered the night before. Thinking back, the night before's events might explain why I responded pleasantly at first when he asked if I was from France.

I stopped on the way home to get a slice of pizza to go, and had a nice conversation with the Egyptian order taker guy for 5 minutes till it was ready. There were no other customers so it was normal to chat. He was tall, late 20s, with curly dark hair, looked like he could be a movie star but was instead stuck in a pizza place.

It started similarly, he asked where I was from. I said here and he said I looked like I was from Russia. I said that my family is actually from there. Part of it is, back a few generations. We laughed as he described how he used to have a family living next door who was Russian and they all looked exactly like me. That was neat since I never really knew anyone from that part of the family. They're like a mystery so it was neat to hear about how I looked just like some Russian folks who recently immigrated. Russia is such a huge ethnically diverse country that I probably don't look like most people from Russia. It's probably just a certain ethnic group in a certain region that my family fled. I think they left around 1900 when the czars were overthrown. I like to think that perhaps they were part of the rich, ruling elite and had to flee when the famous, ill fated peasant uprising happened.

Anyway, I asked where he was from and he said Egypt. I said "Oooh! You have lots of nice tourist attractions there." You know, making pleasant small talk. I was about to go on about how I'd like to see the pyramids but probably won't get to anytime soon due to politics and the way they don't like Americans there right now.

Before I could say that he said something about how Russians are beautiful people. I was feeling down that day (had a big bug bite on my face and no makeup on, sweaty from working out) so I must have looked wistful in response, and he added "you're beautiful too!" That was nice. We all love random compliments when they're not accompanied by creepiness! I laughed and looked at him, thinking how to respond and he added, Egyptian women are beautiful too! I agreed heartily and we started talking about belly dancing, which is from there. A friend of mine used to take belly dancing classes for exercise and he laughed and said he recently saw a workout video about that. Etc etc. It was just a nice conversation. Then my pizza was ready, and we said "have a good night" and I left. I think we both felt nice after that exchange.

Guys -- remember that it's good to talk to women like that. Just have normal conversations when both parties feel like it. It builds up both people's ability to be attractive and engaging, and eventually you'll meet a woman who wants to have coffee with you. She'll send off signals and will either ask for your email address, or pause dramatically before leaving hoping you'll ask for hers. She'll appear reluctant to leave when it's time to go, and I think that's the real signal to ask for her digits or email. I didn't project that in either of these situations. One guy noticed, the other didn't. You definitely don't just immediately ask for our numbers and then follow us around. Yuck yuck yuck.

Great advice! Men, please realize there is a difference between reasonably getting to know a woman better and flat-out harassing them.

Not in front of your daughter!

2007-07-20T19:40:00.000Z

Sarah (not the same contributor of the previous submission) sent this story:

I wish I'd had a place to submit my stories for the past ten years or so. Or I wish I'd written them all down because my harassment stories could fill a book (and I'm not at ALL unique or alone among women and girls).

Right now I live in Alexandria, VA and work in Georgetown. One morning last week I was walking from my car to my office building, when a man passed me on the sidewalk. He was holding the hand of a small girl; I assume it was his young daughter. When we passed, he said "How you doin'?" in a low voice he obviously intended to be sexy. I ignored him and kept on my way. Well a second later he turned around and yelled "Anti-social!!" at me! Excuse me?! It's 8 in the fucking morning. You're with your CHILD! What kind of message does your behavior send to HER? That as a female she's official public property and she better know her place when in mixed company? Jesus. I was sooo irritated. I KNOW you weren't just being friendly, wishing every single person you passed a delightful day.

I know exactly the kind of voice he used---low, perverse, with overt sexual subtext. And the fact that he did this in front of his daughter shows that he has no shame. He obviously doesn't give a crap about what kind of role model he could be for her.

I hope this little girl grows up to carry herself with strength and confidence, and to stand tall in the face of harassment from men like her father.

Creepy Guy/Suspected Rapist on the Bus

2007-07-17T22:28:00.000Z

Sarah sent me this story:

I have a wild one. I was riding the bus to my job downtown. This guy gets on and I got the creepiest vibes from the way that he carried himself. I quickly averted my eyes. Out of habit, I glance around the bus to see who’s around me. Creepy guy sat a couple rows ahead of me and was staring at me. I averted my eyes again, but every time I checked, he was staring at me…

Fed up, I glared at him to signal my disapproval. I didn’t gesture. I didn’t say anything. I just narrowed my eyes. He responded with a pissed off grunt, got up and sat in the row behind me. I freaked out and scooted to the edge of my seat. When I got up, the seat of my pants was wet. He was smirking at me. I checked as soon as I got to the nearest bathroom and my pants smelled like urine--just the seat of my pants was wet, not my crotch or front. I’m still trying to figure out what happened…

For more fun, I saw this guy on the news for raping someone. I recognized him from a police sketch—the height, the facial features all matched up…I’ve called the local investigators to report what I saw, but I was freaked out all night that I sat so close to a malicious person…The general response of my family was that he's creepy, but I brought it on myself by retaliating. I know that nothing would have happened if I had simply averted my eyes, but deep down I know it was my right to signal my disapproval of his attention.

Do not, I repeat DO NOT blame yourself for what happened. This man is a creep and a pervert and you should not be hitting yourself on the head blaming yourself. If you're ever in a situation like that where he continues to get close and do things like that even when you move, signal the bus driver immediately. If the bus driver fails to act, take down the bus number (both the number on the inside and the route number), the time of travel and destination. Make sure to have a full enough report of what happened to report to Metro authorities.

You definitely did the right thing by calling the police and reporting him. I'm no CSI, but I have a feeling you should've taken the pants to the police as potential DNA evidence. No one should have to worry about coming home smelling like someone else's urine from a bus ride.

I hope and pray that this man gets taken off the street and locked up immediately. The streets will be safer with one less cretin running around.

Too early for this...

2007-07-17T12:01:00.000Z

When I leave to head to work, I cut a diagonal past this religious institution near my house so I can get on the main street and walk to the train station. The place is on a lovely plot of land where I sometimes see nuns, clergymen, retirees, and for the first time ever deal with fools trying to bother me.

I head up my path today as usual and this gold car with two young men pulls up next to me.
"Hey baby...need a ride?" they say.
"No...I don't know you!" I said.
They think this is funny and start to laugh. "She said 'I don't know you!'" they mock.

This happened barely two minutes after I left my house...too early in the morning to deal with this crap!

"I don't need to repeat myself nor do I need an echo effect," I said. "You don't leave me alone I'm going to call the cops!"
They thought I was playing, but I started to show them that I meant business. "[License plate number withheld], Maryland plates, gold car, two young [race withheld] males...[license plate], [license plate]..." I repeated that out loud to let them know the deal.
"Man! We were just coming to visit family here! We didn't do anything wrong!" they yelled. They drove away to park and let me be.

Well the next time you go to visit relatives keep at the task at hand and leave women on the streets alone---especially me.